Posts tagged ‘really funny’

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March 27, 2011

FW: Yoga or Beer

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!


Savasana – Position of total relaxation.

 

Balasana - Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.


Setu Bandha Sarvangasana - This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.


Marjayasana - Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.


Halasana - Excellent for back pain and insomnia.


Dolphin - Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana – Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana - This position is great for massaging the hip area.



Malasana - This position, for ankles and back muscles.




So in the interest of healthy relaxation … let’s start drinking

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March 6, 2011

FW: Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
Stop, and turn to the crowd.
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
By the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
“I was being the Ring Bear.”

——————————————————————————–

One Sunday in a Midwest City,
A young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
But were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
And walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
The little one called loudly to the congregation,
“Pray for me! Pray for me!”

——————————————————————————–

One particular four-year old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

——————————————————————————–

A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.”

——————————————————————————–

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
And as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
Jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side,
Getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks,
A little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

——————————————————————————–

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel,
were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”

——————————————————————————–

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,
“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
“No, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied.

——————————————————————————–

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,
“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

——————————————————————————–

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

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February 22, 2011

FW: Real Men Use Duct Tape

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February 21, 2011

FW: The Black Bra Test

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

My story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this)

“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

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February 20, 2011

FW: The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a sports club. A cell phone on a bench rings. A man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

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These are comments made by South Carolina State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them for a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 190 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

13. “Just how big were those “two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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August 19, 2010

FW: Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that’s 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

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REMEMBER . . . .

I don’t do windows because …

I love birds and

don’t want one to run into a clean window

and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …

I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt

then I’ll feel terrible

( plus they may sue me.)

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …

They are very good company,

I have named most of them,

and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …

I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …

I love all the seasons

and don’t want the others to get jealous

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because …

I don’t want to get in God’s way,

HE is an excellent designer!

I don’t put things away because …

My husband

will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because …

I don’t want my guests to

stress out over what to make when

they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …

I choose to believe them

when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because …

“A Type” personalities die young and

I want to stick around

and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

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November 9, 2009

FW: Splinters

A woman from Los Angeles, CA
who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree
to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER
to see a Doctor. She told him she was
an environmentalist, a democrat,
and an anti-hunter and how she came
to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and
then told her to go wait in the
examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She sat and waited three hours
before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
“What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits
from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I’m sorry, but they turned me down.”

GOD BLESS AMERICA

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September 26, 2009

FW: A new Publix Supermarket

A new Publix supermarket opened in Panama City, Florida.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and  brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped  Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is  filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &  cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore!

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February 4, 2009

FW: Box of Chocolates

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

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From: The Australian
October 09, 2006

A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building.

She said: “I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

I don’t remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.

It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don’t remember much at all.” Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: “The accident is bizarre but not impossible.

She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside,” a medic told local television news channel, 24 Sata.

“It appears to have earthed through the damp shower curtain that she was touching as she bent over to put her mouth under the tap. If she had not been wearing the shoes she would probably have been killed by the blast.”

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“Highlands Ranch”
This princess Barbie is sold only at Nordstrom. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

higlands-ranch.jpg

“Green Mountain Barbie”
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

green-mountain.jpg

“Denver Barbie”
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) …unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

denver.jpg

“Cherry Creek Barbie”
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

cherry-creek.jpg

“Aurora Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

aurora.jpg

“Buyers Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Aurora Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

buyers.jpg

“Boulder Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies
and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

boulder.jpg

“5 Points Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Opti onal accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

5-points.jpg

“Trinidad Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

trinidad.jpg

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