Posts tagged ‘old’

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November 10, 2011

FW: Living with A.A.A.D.D.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD, which is Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

And this is how it goes…

I decide to wash the car, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I’m going to wash the car.

BUT FIRST

I’m going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.

BUT FIRST

I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops. . .there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook.

BUT FIRST

I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. Hey what’s it doing there? I’ll just put it away.

BUT FIRST

I need to water those plants. I head for the door and. . .Aaaagh, stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants.

BUT FIRST

I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY:

Car not washed, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control—and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because—

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY.
I realize this condition is serious,
I’ll get help.

BUT FIRST

I think I’ll check my e-mail.

Very busy. Talk to you later.

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November 6, 2011

FW: Old Dude Kickin It

Some day this will be me!

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October 25, 2011

FW: Senior Halloween

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway

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September 18, 2011

FW: Senior Texting Codes

I thought you needed help with texting your friends. After all, the kids have all their little codes, like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:

ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

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Have a good laugh…it’s good for the soul!


THIS IS US!

YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I’m the life of the party—even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening child proof caps—with a hammer.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn’t send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter

Share the cheer

Let’s be happy

While we’re here.

Go Green – Recycle CONGRESS!!

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Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep..beeeeeppp …

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!”

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This or something like it has circulated around but it’s always a nice reminder.

One day I had lunch with some friends. Jim, a tall, balding golfer type
about 80 years old, came along with them—all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups,
except for Jim who said, “Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate.

I wasn’t sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. “Along with
heated apple pie,” Jim added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.. But
when our orders were brought out, I didn’t enjoy mine.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Jim as his pie a-la-mode went down. The other
guys couldn’t believe it. They ate their lunches silently and grinned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Jim. I lunched on
white meat tuna. He ordered a parfait.
I smiled. He asked if he amused me
I answered, “Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible? He
laughed and said “I’m tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life’s so
short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I haven’t been this old
before.” “So, before I die, I’ve got to try those things that for years I had
ignored. I haven’t smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I
haven’t fished. There’s more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be
flown overhead.

There are too many golf courses I haven’t played. I’ve not laughed at all
the jokes. I’ve missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit
in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed
long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven’t cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need
to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die
before night fall, I’d say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing.
I filled my heart’s desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life
expired..”

With that, I called the waitress over.. “I’ve changed my mind, ” I said. “I
want what he is having, only add some more whipped cream!”

Be mindful that happiness isn’t based on possessions, power, or prestige,
but on relationships with people we like and respect. Remember that while
money talks, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

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