June 13, 2011
FW: Sharpen Up
A great practical joke that probably originated from the many college drinking parties =).
Posts tagged ‘Funny’
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June 8, 2011
FW: A Bucket of Money
One fine evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady.
Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant’s night deposit–nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.
The manager, in awe of the young man’s honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!
The hungry man shrugged it off. “My date’s waiting. I just want my chicken.”
The manager’s renewed amazement over the young man’s humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.
“I don’t get it,” the manager responded. “You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman’s name. Is that your wife?”
“That’s the problem,” said the young man. “My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here.”
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May 31, 2011
FW: Not a Best Friend that you Want!
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April 29, 2011
FW: What It Takes To Be A Karate Instructor
In this tough economy people will go to great lengths for a job. However, some jobs it is mandatory to be able to go great lengths! =)
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March 20, 2011
FW: 5 Step Recipe for Creating Delicious Turtle Burgers
This is a fun (but quite unhealthly) snack that your kiddos and friends will love!
Ingredients for One Turtle Burger
- 1/3 pound of ground beef
- 2 slices of sharp cheddar cheese
- Lots and lots of bacon =)
- 3 hot dogs
Steps for Creating Authentic Turtle Burgers
- Take ground beef and pat into decent ball.
- Top ground beef ball with both slices of sharp cheddar cheese (make sure cheese covers entire top surface of the ball).
- Creat bacon weave by taking a piece of bacon and wrap it horizontally around the ground beef ball and cheese. Then take another piece of bacon and wrap it vertically around the ground beef ball and cheese. Continue this process until the entire beef ball is covered.
- Take all three hot dots and cut in half. Take one of the halves for the head, and the other half cut as a triangle for the tail. For the legs cut slits for toes.
- Place turtle burger on an oven rack, covered loosely with foil and bake for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees. You will want the burger to be a little crispy, but not too crunchy… just how a turtle should be, no?
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February 3, 2011
FW: Funny Police Officer Sayings
These are comments made by South Carolina State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them for a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 190 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those “two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
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October 25, 2010
FW: How to Tell if You Need to Pray at Work
AND FINALLY……..
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June 28, 2010
FW: Rough Day Stress Fix
Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does works and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.
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April 24, 2010
FW: Where God Ain’t
He was just a little boy,
On a week’s first day.
Wandering home from Bible school,
And dawdling on the way.
He scuffed his shoes into the grass;
He even found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
And blew out all the ‘filler.’
A bird’s nest in a tree overhead,
So wisely placed up so high.
Was just another wonder,
That caught his eager eye.
A neighbor watched his zig-zag course,
And hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he’d been that day
And what was going on.
‘I’ve been to Bible School,’
He said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying,
‘I’ve learned a lot about God.’
‘M’m very fine way,’ the neighbor said,
‘for a boy to spend his time.’
‘If you’ll tell me where God is,
I’ll give you a brand new dime.’
Quick as a flash the answer came!
Nor were his accents faint.
‘I’ll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain’t.’
Psalms 91: The Angels are watching over you and me.
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June 17, 2009
FW: Weird Al takes on Craigslist with The Doors
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March 22, 2007
FW: Lightning exits woman’s bottom
From: The Australian
October 09, 2006
A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.
Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building.
She said: “I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.
I don’t remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.
It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don’t remember much at all.” Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: “The accident is bizarre but not impossible.
She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside,” a medic told local television news channel, 24 Sata.
“It appears to have earthed through the damp shower curtain that she was touching as she bent over to put her mouth under the tap. If she had not been wearing the shoes she would probably have been killed by the blast.”
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March 22, 2007
FW: The Laws of Nature
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.