Fun | Forward Ever Forward

October 15, 2011

FW: A Fun Physiological Test

The first three words I spotted for myself were: funny, fat, and pretty. I guess I am a pretty funny fat person, or maybe a funny person who is pretty fat Ü. Hope you have fun with this!

FW: Amazing Beach Bubbles

My little girls would go crazy with excitement if we did something like this!

FW: About Your Dead Parrot Señor Wilson

THE PHONE RINGS:

“Hello Señor Wilson, I am the caretaker at your country house in Mexico.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Wilson.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Wilson.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Wilson, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Heavens! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Señor Wilson.”

“There’s electricity at the house, what was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Wilson.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Wilson. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G 15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep trouble!”

FW: Not a Best Friend that you Want!

FW: A Cinderella Royal Wedding

FW: Change The Toilet Paper Roll!!!!!

FW: Confusing Language

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this. You think English is easy? No, but it’s fun.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?