Forward Ever Forward

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, you need to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

~~

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with his hair fashionably combed and
shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.’

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied. Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.

Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the
parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away.. Just for this time in
my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

~~

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

~~

Life is sexually transmitted.

~~

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

~~

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

~~

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

~~

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

~~

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

~~

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

~~

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

~~

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

~~

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

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Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

~~

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

~~

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

~~

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

~~

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

~~

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

~~

Sometimes we wonder, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ or ‘Why did God have to do this to me?’

Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she’s failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, ‘Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.’

‘Here, have some cooking oil,’ her Mother offers.

Yuck’ says her daughter.

‘How about a couple raw eggs?’ ‘Gross, Mom!’

‘Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?’

‘Mom, those are all yucky!’

To which the mother replies: ‘Yes , all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! ‘

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

A Saskatchewan man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Sask recently with
two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its
fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let ‘em swim
’round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take ‘em home.”

“That’s a bunch of BS! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It’s the truth. I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” said the man.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”

“What fish?”

~~

Us from Saskatchewan may not be as smart as some, but we ain’t as dumb as most.

Some of the artists of the 60′s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.

They include:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Bobby Darin ~

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Herman’s Hermits ~

Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Ringo Starr ~

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The

~Bee Gees ~

How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Roberta Flack~

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Johnny Nash~

I Can’t See Clearly Now

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Paul Simon~

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ The Commodores ~

Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Procol Harem~

A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Leo Sayer  ~

You

Make Me Feel Like Napping

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~The Temptations ~

Papa’s

Got A Kidney Stone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Abba~

Denture Queen

“You haven’t seen my teeth have you

Wilma?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Tony Orlando ~

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Helen Reddy ~

I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Leslie Gore~

It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And Last but NOT least…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Willie Nelson ~

On the Commode Again

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician

is

0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that’s 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups,

is

1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner

is

.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

to this

alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

I withheld the statistics on

Lawyers

for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?”  The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, The mouse proclaimed this warning:  “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, But it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said,” There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap . . . alone. . .

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house — the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the
farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued. Friends and neighbors came to sit  with her around the clock. To feed them, The farmer butchered the pig.

But, alas, The farmer’s wife did not get well…she died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the funeral luncheon. And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem, and you think it doesn’t concern you, remember — when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for
one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Editor: The following email (which is crossed out below) has been circulating since 2003.  It is definitely time to lay it to rest because it is FALSE according to Snopes.com, the urban legend- forwarded email-folklore-myth debunking site.

Snopes tells how to ascertain a two-way mirror and it is much more simple than the below “fingernail gap test” which, according to Snopes again, is not all that efficient in detecting two-way mirrors anyway.

Here is Snopes statement on the subject of how to detect a two-way mirror:

TRUTH: Transparent mirrors are most obviously distinguishable from ordinary mirrors in that they’re not hung on the walls as ordinary mirrors are, but they’re set into walls (or doors) as windows are.

In other words, if there’s a wall behind a mirror, the mirror is almost certainly an ordinary one–a transparent mirror would be part of the wall itself.

Also, the lighting in front of a transparent mirror must be much brighter than the lighting on the other side (where the hidden observers are) for it to work effectively, and some light leaks through from the brighter side to the dimmer side…(there is more details if you want to click on Snopes link above for the full story.)

Go to Snopes (or some such debunking site) to verify the truthfulness of “warnings” and “I-don’t-want-to-scare-you emails.

Lay the following email to rest…forever! It is false!!

FALSE! Two Way Mirror  FALSE!

I thought it was quite interesting! And I know in about 30 seconds

you’re going to do what I did and find the nearest mirror….. Do you

know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not?

This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. A policewoman who

businesswomen passed this on. When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel

rooms, changing rooms, etc.., how many of you know for sure that the

seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or

actually a 2-way mirror (i.e., they can see you, but you can’t see

them)? There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors

in female changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify

the surface by just looking at it.

So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of

mirror we are looking at? Just conduct this simple test:

Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if

there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then

it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES

the image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!

“No Space, Leave the Place”

So remember, every time you see a Mirror, do the “fingernail test.” It

doesn’t cost you anything.

Remember: “No Space, Leave the Place”

The following 25 questions are about things we see everyday or have known about all our lives.

Put your thinking caps on! How many can you get right? It’s based on US info and is harder than you think. The average person only gets 7 right.

It shows you how little attention we pay to the commonplace, everyday things of life.

No online/computer help! No looking around! No cheating!

Start the quiz

Words to live by . . .

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting

clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first

place!

When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping”; now I just “chunky dunk.”

The early bird still has to eat worms.

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the

difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen

asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in

prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with

something called labor.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!