January 17, 2010
FW: Two Cow Philosophies
TWO COWS (POLITICAL PHILOSOPHIES)
A CONSERVATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You write to your congressman, demanding that he or she passes legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. Your congressman taxes your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. Your congressman takes your tax money and buys your cow and gives it to your neighbor. You feel vindicated.
A PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows and you give one to your neighbor.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you some milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows, the government takes both and sells you some milk.
A NAZI: You have two cows, The government takes both and shoots you.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
A TOTALITARIANIST: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
A BUREAUCRAT: You have two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.
AN ANARCHIST: You had two cows, but they were killed when everyone rioted and overthrew the government.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
TWO COWS (CULTURAL PHILOSOPHIES)
A COUNTER CULTERIST: You have two cows. They eat your hemp. You drink their milk for medicinal reasons.
A SURREALIST: You have two cows, but you paint two giraffes to depict what your subconsciousness might think are cows. For your efforts the government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A FEMINIST: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
AN ENVIRONMENTALIST: You have two cows, but the government bans you from milking or killing them.
A FATALIST: You have two cows. You know they will die, so you don’t feed them. They die, which you knew would happen.
A ZENIST: Cows happen, sometimes twice.
TWO COWS (BUSINESS PHILOSOPHIES)
A TRADITIONAL CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You outsource one to India, and inhouse the other and force it to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the outsourced cow is still producing milk and the inhoused cow dropped dead.
A CANADIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but due to a 1965 treaty you can’t produce your own milk and you must buy it exclusively from the United States.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
AN EUROPEAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but everybody is buying cheaper milk imported from an east European country. You receive financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows. You sell your milk to some government-owned distributor, which then dumps your milk onto the market at east European prices to make Europe competitive.
AN IRISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You ask for an EU subsidy for your failed breeding program.
A FINNISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have to kill one of them due to European Union stating that there is an overproduction of milk in the Netherlands.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have two cows. Others bring you their cows to avoid taxation, which you charge them for. Now you have 5,000,000,000,000 cows, but still only two belong to you.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both and milk the outsourced American cow.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You make menudo soup out of them, and then take a siesta.
AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are voting for Mubarak!
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you. They bomb and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
A TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
A SINGAPORE CORPORATION: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
A HONG KONG CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. One cow is probably Tangata Whenua and therefor feels the other cow should not be considered a New Zealand cow.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. So, you kill one and put it on the barbie to celebrate.
BERNARD MEDOFF: You have two cows. You tell your clients you have 20 cows. You sell one cow to show revenue, leaving you with nineteen cows. The annual report says that the company increased in profit to twenty-eight cows, with an option on ten more. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.