Forward Ever Forward

The Catholic Church has installed a new automatic confession service.

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

‘Brenda, may I come in?’ he asks. ‘I’ve somethin’ to tell
ya’.

‘Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But
where’s my husband?’

‘That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.’ There was
an accident down at the Guinness brewery…’

‘Oh, God no!’ cries Brenda. ‘Please don’t tell me.’

‘I must, Brenda. Your husband Sheamus is dead and gone. I’m
sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. ‘How did it happen, Tim?’

‘It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned.’

‘Oh my! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?’

‘Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to
pee.’

–

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’

She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night.’

The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?’

She says, ‘That he did, Father.’

The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’

She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down the gun…’

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest
coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three
times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, ‘ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper
on this side either!’

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable Eastside neighborhood! All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw. ? ? ?