Forward Ever Forward

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. But she also wanted know that he was safe.

When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school in the mornings for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldn’t notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise.

All week long, Shirley and her daughter followed Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.

As the two children walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s friend said, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’

Timmy replied, ‘Yes, I know who she is. That’s my mom’s friend Shirley Goodnest and her little girl Marcy’.

‘Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?’

‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’

~

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace…….
and……
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

Someone has said if Christians really understood the full extent of
the power we have available through prayer, we might be speechless.

Did you know that during World War II there was an adviser to Churchill who organized a group of people who dropped what they were doing every day at a prescribed hour for one minute to collectively pray for the safety of England, its people and peace?

There is now a group of people organizing the same thing here in America. If you would like to participate:

Every evening at 9:00 pm Eastern Time
(8:00 PM Central)
(7:00 PM Mountain)
(6:00 PM Pacific),
stop whatever you are doing and spend one minute praying for the safety of the United States,
our troops, our citizens, and for a return to a Godly nation.

If you know anyone else who would like to participate, please pass this along.Our prayers are the most powerful asset we have.

See the real ad

You know you want it…

The Devil’s very own Craftsman 21″ 5.5 HP Self-propelled Lawnmower. Yes, that is correct, this is in fact Satan’s lawn mower. Manufactured in Hell and shipped via the S.S. Titanic to a Sears store where I bought it.

This lawnmower is no ordinary lawnmower. No. I had hoped to buy an ordinary lawnmower, but instead got this pile of trash.

The sticker on the top indicates that it has a Honda engine. The funny thing is we all know that there is no way that Honda ever built that engine. It is really a Volkswagen engine assembled in Nazi Germany by Hitler himself.

The 5.5 HP engine is so powerful that you might wonder what HP stands for. Well that’s horsepower. Cause it turns out that by horsepower, Craftsman really means Shetland Pony power. And by Shetland Pony power, they actually mean “Not really alive anymore Shetland Pony Power.” You’d really have more luck harnessing a couple of cats to the front and having them pull it.

The sticker also indicates that it is the “Quietest and Lightest” engine available. This is surely a scientific claim verified by a couple deaf body-builders, because the only thing it is quieter and lighter than is a 1965 Lincoln Continental that is missing its exhaust system.

Conveniently, the gas tank that holds exactly enough gas to mow 95% of your yard without needing a refill, and was painted red by Mussolini or Kim Jong Ill, I’m not sure which.

The hardened steel cutting blades is as sharp as it was when it came out of the factory, and while it wont actually cut grass, it will cut things like match box cars, children’s yard toys, and every other sprinkler head in my yard.

This mower mulches or bags. Neither of which it actually really does. It has a side discharge flap that is built of super strong plastic made with a couple melted Ziploc bags. And it NEVER EVER just randomly falls off when you are mowing, covering your face and body with lawn clippings. Who would ever design a mower that would do that? No not even a bitter UAW union worker that was forced to build this piece of crap when he really wanted to be at the Detroit Lions game.

The lawnmower’s favorite movies are, “Thelma and Louse,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and “Beaches.” It once went to see “Saw IV,” but had to leave the theater because it got too scared seeing things getting cut.

The oil was last changed sometime during the Clinton administration. But, that said, the lawnmower does come with a lifetime of free oil-changes* (*To redeem your oil changes please contact BP in the Gulf of Mexico, or proceed directly to Pensacola Beach and scoop up a lifetime of free oil.)

This lawnmower has actually achieved Sainthood, when in 2002 it mowed a twenty foot strip of lawn without having the bag chute get clogged! This miracle, though it has never happened again, was witnessed by a 12 year old boy. For more details, contact his local priest. Well on second thought, don’t. He didn’t do anything to that kid. The worst he ever did was maybe watch a couple of episodes of Family Guy. And he is not a pervert. Instead please contact the former Cardinal Ratzinger who will vehemently deny all allegations.

This lawnmower has hardly been used. Any part that was actually used has been replaced because its superior construction and design allow for you to change out quality plastic parts over and over that should have been metal but they were to cheap to use it.

This lawn mower was actually made for a princess to mow her yard made out of cotton candy.

Because of the quality construction, you are the lucky individual that will get this “like new” lawnmower to learn such valuable things about a lawnmower than you never wanted to learn, like:

1) “Guaranteed to start with a single pull” would be true if it had a string long enough to hook to an Atlas V rocket that is going to the moon.

2) “Adjustable-height mowing deck” manages to always scalp part of your lawn any way you adjust it.

3) “Easy Attach Bagger” locks that pesky grass in the bag so that no matter how hard you shake it, that grass will be stuck in there until you finally give up trying to get it out.

The throttle cable is currently broken. I just jammed a screwdriver in there this last time to mow with it. Worked better than usual.

I considered hooking it to the back of my car with a rope and driving it down I-15 at 130mph, but instead want to offer the chance for someone else to feel my pain and am selling it to a “deserving” home. One that might have a yard covered completely in rocks or dead grass.

$100 for this little piece of history.

ONE SUNDAY MORNING, THE PASTOR NOTICED LITTLE ALEX STANDING IN THE FOYER OF THE CHURCH STARING UP AT A LARGE PLAQUE. IT WAS COVERED WITH NAMES AND SMALL AMERICAN FLAGS MOUNTED ON EITHER SIDE OF IT. THE SIX-YEAR OLD HAD BEEN STARING AT THE PLAQUE FOR SOME TIME, SO THE PASTOR WALKED UP, STOOD BESIDE THE LITTLE BOY, AND SAID QUIETLY, ‘GOOD MORNING ALEX.’

‘GOOD MORNING PASTOR,’ HE REPLIED, STILL FOCUSED ON THE PLAQUE… ‘PASTOR, WHAT IS THIS? ‘

THE PASTOR SAID, ‘WELL SON, IT’S A MEMORIAL TO ALL THE YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN WHO DIED IN THE SERVICE.’

SOBERLY, THEY JUST STOOD TOGETHER, STARING AT THE LARGE PLAQUE.

FINALLY, LITTLE ALEX’S VOICE, BARELY AUDIBLE AND TREMBLING WITH FEAR ASKED,

‘WHICH SERVICE, THE 8:30 OR THE 10:00?’

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds; so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, “You want hot fudge with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “I’ll have another with sprinkles.” And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 10.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald’s and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, “You want fries with that?” and Man replied, “Yes! And super size’ em!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs and is now working on Obamacare!

If you were around in 1919, you might have come across the following Mormon poster…

I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

He was just a little boy,
On a week’s first day.
Wandering home from Bible school,
And dawdling on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass;
He even found a caterpillar.
He found a fluffy milkweed pod,
And blew out all the ‘filler.’

A bird’s nest in a tree overhead,
So wisely placed up so high.
Was just another wonder,
That caught his eager eye.

A neighbor watched his zig-zag course,
And hailed him from the lawn;
Asked him where he’d been that day
And what was going on.

‘I’ve been to Bible School,’
He said and turned a piece of sod.
He picked up a wiggly worm replying,
‘I’ve learned a lot about God.’

‘M’m very fine way,’ the neighbor said,
‘for a boy to spend his time.’
‘If you’ll tell me where God is,
I’ll give you a brand new dime.’

Quick as a flash the answer came!
Nor were his accents faint.
‘I’ll give you a dollar, Mister,
If you can tell me where God ain’t.’

Psalms 91: The Angels are watching over you and me.

It may lack the intimacy of a self-portrait by Rembrandt or Van Gogh, but this newly reconstructed coin bust provides the clearest look into the face of Herod Philip II that we will likely ever see.

Herod Philip II (4 B.C–34 A.D.), one of the sons of Herod the Great and ruler of the eastern Galilee and the Golan during the time of Jesus’ Galilean ministry, was the first Jewish ruler to have his portrait emblazoned upon a coin.

Coins with portraits of Herodian kings are extremely rare because of the Jewish religious prohibition of graven images. Only a handful of Philip’s coins have survived, and even these are well worn with largely indistinct busts.

Biblical coin specialist and researcher Jean-Philippe Fontanille has developed a new technique to recover the original minted impressions of ancient coins. Using the latest in computer imaging technology, Fontanille superimposes digital images of multiple ancient coins from the same issue, adjusting for differences in size and orientation. After keeping the best-preserved parts of each coin image, digitally removing worn or missing areas, and then merging and blending the remaining elements, Fontanille produces an “idealized” composite of the coin as it would have appeared in ancient times.