Forward Ever Forward

Why boys need parents…

Dedicated to Gatsby and Charlie! We doubt you will get to do this type of skeet shooting while in America.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and

asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused

state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40

years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes

and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a

very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer

was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position

that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were

financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more

than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then

she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over

$2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these

holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband

was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know…and all the men that have a sense of humor.

This audio clip captures probably the most arrogant guy alive leaving a message for a girl he picked up on. You couldn’t make this stuff up! Extremely funny.

LISTEN TO MESSAGE

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it …. and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. “The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….
“HEBREWS”

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment . Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Submitted by: Ryan (Salt Lake City, Utah)

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth’s rite of passage? His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. The boy is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he survives the night, he is considered a man.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blows the grass and earth, and shakes his stump, but he sits stoically, never removing the blindfold. It is the only way he can be considered a man!

Finally, after a horrific night the sun appears and he removes his blindfold.

It is then he discovers his father sitting on the stump next to him.
His Father had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don’t know it, God is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.

Moral of the story:
Just because you can’t see God,
Doesn’t mean He is not there.
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go
to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and
the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
Husband Store. ( keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.