Forward Ever Forward

Submitted by: Ryan (Salt Lake City, Utah)

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth’s rite of passage? His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. The boy is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he survives the night, he is considered a man.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blows the grass and earth, and shakes his stump, but he sits stoically, never removing the blindfold. It is the only way he can be considered a man!

Finally, after a horrific night the sun appears and he removes his blindfold.

It is then he discovers his father sitting on the stump next to him.
His Father had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don’t know it, God is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.

Moral of the story:
Just because you can’t see God,
Doesn’t mean He is not there.
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go
to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and
the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
Husband Store. ( keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

MANLY BBQ….IS…… A Man’s Grill!

Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone’s attention……I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards…then you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone tailgating you….I don’t know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!!!!!!

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

Mike was attending his 4X4 club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn’t let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow  4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike’s friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

“How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?”

“I didn’t have to” was Mike’s reply.

“When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.  Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’!”

“When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, “Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed  and you can do whatever you want.”

“So here I am!”

A clip from Cheers

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head…

and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a female mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions.  Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1.  Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter.  As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide:

A.  Present it to the President of the United States.
B.  Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C.  Take it apart.

2.  As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A.  Innocence.
B.  Idealism.
C.  Cherry bombs.

3.  When is it okay to kiss another male?

A.  When you have decided to switch teams.
B.  When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.  When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4.  What about hugging another male?

A.  If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B.  If you’re performing the Heimlich Maneuver.
C.  If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5.  In your opinion, the ideal pet is…

A.  A cat
B.  A dog
C.  A dog that eats cats

6.  You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.  You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers.  Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.  She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

A.  That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B.  That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot Honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C.  That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7.  Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B.  You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach and you say her name. When she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C.  Tell her what?

8.  One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:
A.  “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B.  “They’re in school already?”
C.  “There are three of them?”

9.  When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A.  When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B.  When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C.  It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard them.

10.  What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A.  He was being tested.
B.  He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
C.  He refused to ask for directions.

11.  What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A.  Democracy.
B.  Religion.
C.  The remote control.

Sent in by: Lindsey

hahhha i died laughing

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”