Forward Ever Forward

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I’m driving.”

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
“CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing up there?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days”.

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her “. And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. “What can I do?” he pleaded. “Not much” the doctor replied. “There’s just a nasty bug going around.”

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen a sleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember:
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot and the wad of dough hit her in
the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich a the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realized it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were
campaigning… Today you voted.”

IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW.

ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER. HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING.

PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER’ S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO “DRIVE” AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR’S SPEEDOMOTER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.

THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR.

THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM.

THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO “PULL OVER!” THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.

WHO SAYS POLICEMEN DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?