Forward Ever Forward

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is
Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read
from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (or from the Hagadah at
Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they
celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to
butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she
never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can
change the baby’s diaper.

Déjas Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated
look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When your Aunt gets lost in a department store and
strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after
one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way
out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to
make.

Meinstein – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on
one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a
reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your
old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities,
even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth
person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially
falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business
school as seen through the eyes of parents and grandparents. In extreme
cases, simply choosing to major in art history when your cousin’s is
majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of
Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a
vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the
shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork!

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.” He was quiet for a moment,
and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

—————————————————————————
After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother
washed off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and
began to color her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say in a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

—————————————————————————-
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a po nd. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

—————————————————————————–
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo while I asked ,
“No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

—————————————————————————–
A little girl was diligentl y pounding away on her grandfather’s
word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he
asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

—————————————————————————-
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

—————————————————————————-
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights.”

——————————————————————————
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m
not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandma,” he advised. “Mine says I’m
four to six.”

—————————————————————————
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
“Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,”
she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You
just change ‘y’ to ‘I and add ‘es’.”

—————————————————————————-
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The
small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher
asked, “Do you know what pregnant means?” Sure,” said the young boy
confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

—————————————————————————–
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of
the fire truck wa s a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s
duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said
another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a
close: “No, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant.”

Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager’s office. “I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?” asked the rejected applicant. “We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the Department manager, “The other gentleman answered Question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ Your answer to Question #5 was, ‘Neither do I.’”

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing an official payroll check! It was only $2, but the little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar “pay” she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.

“My goodness gracious!” said the teller. “And will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those dirtbags at Home Depot ever deliver the damned sheetrock!”

Author Unknown

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

“Where’s that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

mancards1.wmv
I need some of these, really I do.

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more shotgun shells. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls–don’t know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch.

“Cooter”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I’m driving.”

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”