Forward Ever Forward

Just One Person
(the closer from the musical “Snoopy!”)

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you…
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
“If he can do it, I can do it.”

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There’s bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three…..
People you can say: believe in me…..
And if three whole people,
Why not — four?
And if four whole people,
Why not–more, and
more, and

more….
(keychange)
And when all those people,
Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you…
Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will
Start to see what everybody sees in
You…

And maybe even you,
Can believe in you… too!

Related Posts:

• FW: If Nobody Smiled
• FW: At the Foot of the Cross
• FW: The Pebble’s Ripple
• FW: Catching Christmas
• FW: A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

1. A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. ~Cicero
2. Ah! on Thanksgiving day/ When the care-wearied man seeks his mother once more, / And the worn matron smiles where the girl smiled before. / What moistens the lips and what brightens the eye? / What calls back the past, like the rich pumpkin pie? ~John Greenleaf Whittier
3. All that we behold is full of blessings. ~William Wordsworth
4. An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. ~Irv Kupcinet
5. And though I ebb in worth, I’ll flow in thanks. ~John Taylor
6. As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy
7. As we pause to thank Him for the blessings of the past year, we must not forget to thank Him for the lessons we have learned through our difficult times. We are not to be thankful for just the pleasant, easy things, but ALL things. ~Millie Stamm
8. But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; / Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie! ~Margaret Junkin Preston
9. But whether we have less or more, / Always thank we God therefor. ~Author Unknown
10. Coexistence: what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving. ~Mike Connolly
11. Dear Lord; we beg but one boon more: / Peace in the hearts of all men living, / peace in the whole world this Thanksgiving. ~Joseph Auslander
12. Do not fancy, as too many do, that thou canst praise God by singing hymns to Him in church once a week, and disobeying Him all the week long. He asks of thee works as well as words; and more, he asks of thee works first and words after. ~Charles Kingsley
13. Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. ~William Arthur Ward
14. For a Christian thanksgiving, we must give thanks. ~Unknown
15. For each new morning with its light, / For rest and shelter of the night, / For health and food, for love and friends, /For everything Thy goodness sends. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
16. For flowers that bloom about our feet; / For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet; / For song of bird, and hum of bee; / For all things fair we hear or see, / Father in heaven, we thank Thee! ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
17. For hearts that are kindly, with virtue and peace, and not seeking blindly a hoard to increase; for those who are grieving o’er life’s sordid plan; for souls still believing in heaven and man; for homes that are lowly with love at the board; for things that are holy, I thank thee, O Lord! ~Walt Mason
18. For what I give, not what I take, / For battle, not for victory, / My prayer of thanks I make. ~Odell Shepard
19. For, after all, put it as we may to ourselves, we are all of us from birth to death guests at a table which we did not spread. The sun, the earth, love, friends, our very breath are parts of the banquet…. Shall we think of the day as a chance to come nearer to our Host, and to find out something of Him who has fed us so long? ~Rebecca Harding Davis
20. Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Native American Saying
21. Gluttony and surfeiting are no proper occasions for thanksgiving. ~Charles Lamb
22. God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘thank you?’ ~William A. Ward
23. God has two dwellings; one in heaven, and the other in a meek and thankful heart. ~Izaak Walton
24. Got no check books, got no banks. Still I’d like to express my thanks – I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night. ~Irving Berlin
25. Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It’s a way to live. ~Jacqueline Winspear
26. Gratitude is born in hearts that take time to count up past mercies. ~Charles E. Jefferson
27. Gratitude is the least of the virtues, but ingratitude is the worst of vices. ~Thomas Fuller
28. Gratitude is the sign of noble souls. ~Aesop
29. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie
30. Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day! ~Thanksgiving toast, from the movie Sweet November
31. He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one should never remember it. ~Charron
32. He who thanks but with the lips / Thanks but in part; / The full, the true Thanksgiving / Comes from the heart. ~J.A. Shedd
33. Heap high the board with plenteous cheer and gather to the feast, / And toast the sturdy Pilgrim band whose courage never ceased. ~Alice W. Brotherton
34. Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don’t unravel. ~Author Unknown
35. How wonderful it would be if we could help our children and grandchildren to learn thanksgiving at an early age. Thanksgiving opens the doors. It changes a child’s personality, thankful children want to give, they radiate happiness, they draw people. ~Sir John Templeton
36. I hate ingratitude more in man than lying, vainness, drunkenness or any taint of vice, whose strong corruption inhibits our frail blood. ~William Shakespeare
37. I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all. ~Ellen Orleans
38. I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger
39. If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get. ~Frank A. Clark
40. If I have enjoyed the hospitality of the Host of this universe, Who daily spreads a table in my sight, surely I cannot do less than acknowledge my dependence. ~G.A. Johnston Ross
41. If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, thank you, that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart
42. If we meet someone who owes us thanks, we right away remember that. But how often do we meet someone to whom we owe thanks without remembering that? ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
43. If you count all your assets, you always show a profit. ~Robert Quillen
44. In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich. ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer
45. It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it. ~Alistair Cooke
46. It is literally true, as the thankless say, that they have nothing to be thankful for. He who sits by the fire, thankless for the fire, is just as if he had no fire. Nothing is possessed save in appreciation, of which thankfulness is the indispensable ingredient. But a thankful heart hath a continual feast. ~W.J. Cameron
47. Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds. ~Theodore Roosevelt
48. Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road. ~John Henry Jowett
49. Lord, ’tis Thy plenty-dropping hand / That soils my land, / And giv’st me for my bushel sowne / Twice ten for one. / All this, and better, Thou dost send / Me, to this end, / That I should render, for my part, / A thankful heart. ~Robert Herrick
50. May your stuffing be tasty / May your turkey plump, / May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. / May your yams be delicious / And your pies take the prize, / And may your Thanksgiving dinner / Stay off your thighs! ~Author Unknown

Related Posts:

• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 1)
• FW: 50 Great Quotes for a Good Laugh
• FW: Confucius Says
• FW: Happy 4th of July America
• FW: A Point in Your Life

1. No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks. ~Ambrose of Milan
2.  No longer forward nor behind / I look in hope or fear; / But, grateful, take the good I find, / The best of now and here. ~John Greenleaf Whittier
3.  None is more impoverished than the one who has no gratitude. Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy. ~Fred De Witt Van Amburgh
4.  Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser
5.  Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart. ~Seneca
6.  O Lord that lends me life, / Lend me a heart replete with thankfulness. ~William Shakespeare
7.  On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence. ~William Jennings Bryan
8.  On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime. ~Author Unknown
9.  One distinguishing mark of an unregenerate man is ingratitude. ~E. J. Conrad
10.  Our rural ancestors, with little blest, / Patient of labour when the end was rest,/Indulged the day that housed their annual grain, / With feasts, and off’rings, and a thankful strain. ~Alexander Pope
11.  Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now. ~A.W. Tozer
12.  Praise is the best auxiliary to prayer; and he who most bears in mind what has been done for him by God will be most emboldened to supplicate fresh gifts from above. ~Henry Melville
13.  Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets much as he deserves. ~Henry Ward Beecher
14.  Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many–not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. ~Charles Dickens
15.  Remember God’s bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude! ~Henry Ward Beecher
16.  Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast. ~William Shakespeare
17.  So once in every year we throng/Upon a day apart,/To praise the Lord with feast and song/In thankfulness of heart. ~Arthur Guiterman
18.  Stand up, on this Thanksgiving Day, stand upon your feet. Believe in man. Soberly and with clear eyes, believe in your own time and place. There is not, and there never has been a better time, or a better place to live in. ~Phillips Brooks
19.  Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths. At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings. ~J. Robert Moskin
20.  Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude. ~E.P. Powell
21.  Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for – annually, not oftener – if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man’s side, consequently on the Lord’s side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments. ~Mark Twain
22.  Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck
23.  Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~Michael Dresser
24.  Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. ~Johnny Carson
25.  Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory. ~Author Unknown
26.  Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year. ~P. J. O’Rourke
27.  Thanksgiving is the holiday of peace, the celebration of work and the simple life… a true folk-festival that speaks the poetry of the turn of the seasons, the beauty of seed time and harvest, the ripe product of the year, and the deep, deep connection of all these things with God. ~Ray Stannard Baker
28.  Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day. ~Robert Caspar Lintner
29.  Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action. ~W.J. Cameron
30.  Thanksgiving-day, I fear, / If one the solemn truth must touch, / Is celebrated, not so much / To thank the Lord for blessing o’er, / As for the sake of getting more! ~Will Carleton
31.  The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. ~H.U. Westermayer
32.  The thing I’m most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Author Unknown
33.  The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings! ~Henry Ward Beecher
34.  The very fact that a man is thankful implies Someone to be thankful to. ~John Baillie
35.  There is one day that is ours. There is one day when all we Americans who are not self-made go back to the old home to eat saleratus biscuits and marvel how much nearer to the porch the old pump looks than it used to. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American. ~O. Henry
36.  This is the finest measure of thanksgiving: a thankfulness that springs from love. ~William C. Skeath
37.  Thou hast given so much to me, / Give one thing more, – a grateful heart; / Not thankful when it pleaseth me, / As if Thy blessings had spare days, / But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise. ~George Herbert
38.  To hear someone say ‘Happy Turkey Day’ makes me sad because they have nothing to be thankful for and no one to whom to be thankful. ~Robert Flatt
39.  To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven. ~Johannes A. Gaertner
40.  True thanksgiving means that we need to thank God for what He has done for us, and not to tell Him what we have done for Him. ~George R. Hendrick
41.  Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
42.  We are so taken up with the affairs of the present that we don’t have time to give thanks for blessings of the past. ~John A. Broadus
43.  We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning. ~Albert Barnes
44.  We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder
45.  We never approach God without cause for gratitude. Thankfulness, a duty and delight greatly prominent in the Bible, is the declarative mood of gratitude – a bright fire in a master force in soul-building, the greatest tonic faith has. Be ye thankful. ~Robert G. Leethe 
46.  We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction. ~Harry A. Ironside
47.  What a person praises is perhaps a surer standard, even than what he condemns, of his own character, information and abilities. ~Hare
48.  What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck
49.  When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep? ~George Canning
50.  You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled. ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Related Posts:

• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 2)
• FW: Happy 4th of July America
• FW: 8 Easy Hanukkah Holiday Ideas
• FW: 50 Great Quotes for a Good Laugh
• FW: The History of Labor Day

1. Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh. ~Anonymous
2. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. ~Anonymous
3. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 Rs (reading, writing, and arithmetic), only one begins with an R. ~Dennis Miller
4. Where’s the “Any” key? ~Homer Simpson
5. If we’re not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? ~Anonymous
6. If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners. ~Johnny Carson
7. A dislexic agnostic insomniac lies awake at night wondering if there’s a dog. ~Anonymous
8. Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. ~Anonymous
9. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~Joan Rivers
10. Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the “Titanic” who waved off the dessert cart. ~Erma Louise Bombeck
11. My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim. ~Paula Poundstone
12. I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem? ~Arnold Schwarzenegger
13. The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O. ~Martin Mull
14. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~Redd Foxx
15. There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. ~Robert Benchley
16. Cheese—milk’s leap toward immortality. ~Clifton Fadiman
17. What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about? ~Anonymous
18. Before you can win a game, you have to not lose it. ~Chuck Noll
19. If you make every game a life and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot. ~Dean Smith
20. There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago. ~Lewis Grizzard
21. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. ~Helen Hayes
22. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~Erma Bombeck
23. If you can’t be a good example ~then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine
24. The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting. ~Amanda Cross
25. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. ~Mark Russell
26. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Anonymous
27. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. ~Alfred Hitchcock
28. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you. ~Anonymous
29. I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend. ~Emo Phillips
30. The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer. ~From the 1985 movie Bliss
31. Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is. ~P. J. O’Rourke
32. There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. ~Mary Wilson Little  
33. What’s a synonym for Thesaurus? ~Anonymous
34. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. ~Anonymous
35. Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. ~Anonymous
36. Procrastinate later. ~Anonymous
37. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks so. ~Anonymous
38. I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away. ~Oscar Levant
39. It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister. ~Abigail Van Buren
40. Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. ~Joey Bishop
41. If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~Doug Larson
42. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. ~Anonymous
43. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. ~Robert X. Cringely
44. If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door. ~Paul Beatty
45. I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf. ~Robert Bloch
46. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. ~Dean Martin
47. Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation. ~Kin Hubbard
48. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ~Lisa Grossman
49. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. ~National Lampoon
50. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye. ~Anonymous

Related Posts:

• FW: Confucius Says
• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 2)
• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 1)
• FW: Happy 4th of July America
• FW: A Point in Your Life

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tyred.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man’s well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humour!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1 Or more people..Nothing will happen!!!

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• FW: 50 Great Quotes for a Good Laugh
• FW: Amazing Simple Home Remedies
• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 2)
• FW: 50 Thanksgiving Quotes (Part 1)
• FW: The Funny-o-Meter

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Related Posts:

• FW: How Did They Get Into Heaven???

A couple thoughts to meditate on!

Concentrate on this Sentence:

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence:
“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won’t anymore,
And who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past,
there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

Related Posts:

• FW: Safely Home Poem
• FW: Where God Ain’t
• FW: At the Foot of the Cross
• FW: 10 Profound & Spiritual Insights
• FW: The Pebble’s Ripple

Related Posts:

• FW: New Type of Graffiti—Yarn Bombing

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER, PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In A London Department Store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In An Office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside A Second-Hand Shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING… BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice In Health Food Shop Window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted In A Safari Park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen During A Conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice In A Farmer’s Field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On A Repair Shop Door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR,
THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn
to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).
We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

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30. “Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty.” ~John Selden
29. “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Brooks Atkinson
28. “The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.” ~W.H. Auden
27. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” ~P. J. O’Rourke
26. “Ever new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” ~Ogden Nash
25. “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~James Agate
24. “A dog’s New Year’s Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!” ~Unknown
23. “Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” ~Eric Zorn
22. “New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” ~Charles Lamb
21. “Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.” ~Oprah Winfrey
20. “New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” ~Mark Twain
19. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.” ~Judith Crist
18. “Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.” ~Anonymous
17. “I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” ~Anais Nin
16. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” ~Oscar Wilde
15. “I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ’til December, right?” ~Catherine O’Hara
14. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” ~Robert Paul
13. “No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam.” ~Charles Lamb
12. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.” ~Anonymous
11. “From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.” ~Leonard Bernstein
10. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool.” ~F.M. Knowles
09. “The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he will never exist afterwards.” ~G. K. Chesterton
08. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!” ~Joey Adams
07. “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” ~Dave Beard
06. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” ~Bill Vaughan
05. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” ~Bill Vaughan
04. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” ~William Thomas
03. “New Year’s Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot…Unless, of course, those tests come back positive!” ~Jay Leno
02. “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” ~Unknown
01. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.” ~Jay Leno

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