THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?’ SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?’

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED ‘HEMORRHOIDS’ INSTEAD OF ‘ASSTEROIDS’?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN A CHINESE PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

~In memory of all those affected by 9/11~

~Why some survived the attacks of September 11th~

Enjoy!!!

ASPIRE TO INSPIRE BEFORE YOU EXPIRE.

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America  ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in   America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America …..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America ………do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

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Only in America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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I like this one!!! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)….in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

8. Dinner to go

7. A whole new meaning of a soar throat

6. Not what the 18th Century had in mind when they added this to their dresses

5. You better not site down!

4. Not sure if this is a rubber band or product placement

3. WHY!!!

2. Inspiration for the boggy man

1. Lassie gone bad

Sent in by: Nicole from New Orleans, Louisiana

Source: 321gold.com

Who wants to be a millionaire?

James West
Jan 15, 2009

I feel like Harry Truman, the 83-year-old Mount St. Helens resident who refused to leave his mountainside residence, even though he knew a catastrophic event was coming. The explosive incinerating force that finally did roar down all sides of that mountain when it erupted killed everything within 5 mile radius. It was the deadliest and most economically destructive volcanic event in the history of the United States. Fifty-seven people were killed; 250 homes, 47 bridges, 15 miles (24 km) of railways, and 185 miles (298 km) of highway were destroyed. Harry Truman’s body was never found.

While the forces building behind the catastrophic U.S. economic policy of the last administration and the new one may lack the same single day impact, the destruction of livelihood and property that is just over the horizon will dwarf that of the 1980 eruption of Mount. St. Helens.

The slow pace of the system-wide implosion is testimony to the sheer scale upon which this unnatural disaster is unfolding. You can’t see it if you’re in it, but you can see it from space.

Here’s food for thought:

The number of millionaires and billionaires reached all time record highs globally prior to August 2008. The global competition to reach millionaire and billionaire status is the physical manifestation of a broadly human malaise: the valuation of material wealth over personal, familial, ecological and economic health. Greed, I think, is the common name for the disease.

But greed has now reached destructive proportions.

There exists a simple equation, yet to be published or even determined perhaps that goes something like this:

For each million dollars in private wealth, there is a proportional dollar value of resources that must be extracted from the earth and pressed into industrial service to become a part of or in itself a given product. Each of these million dollars in personal wealth then causes the requirement for purchasers and end users of such products. If an insufficient number exist, then technically that representative million dollars in private holdings should be diminished proportional to the reduced market for the correlated product. However, this equations logic fails in the face of credit. And expressing that consumption uniformly is next to impossible, considering the vastly fragmented nature of our economy.

Unfortunately, the correlation between elevated levels of private wealth and the global resource ponzi pyramid are not recognized in modern education and therefore current value systems as dangerous and terminal. On the contrary, private wealth is universally perceived as the reward for hard work and good citizenship. It is our value system that is corrupt, and that is in turn reflected in government, banking, education and family.

Assuming a future that survives this great economic catastrophe, there needs to be a revaluation of human activity.

With the advent of free information flow, education itself becomes somewhat obsolete, since all you can learn in a university can be learned through sources obtained online. That means a population that is increasingly educated, and therefore desirous of the same standard of living, theoretically, as the highest common denominator enjoys, since they come from the lowest, or at least, lower.

The resources and systems of the human race have reached a level of peak capacity, and since the resources of the planet are finite and now shrinking, it is incredibly myopic of us as a species to assume the outcome of this financial crisis will be a resumption of economic growth and development worldwide towards a mutually elevated standard of living.

Rather, the opposite is true. A resumption of the millionaire/billionaire race is sure to result in another version of the current situation.

Economists, as they are called by the post secondary education facilities (universities) they are churned out by, are saddled with the intellectually disfiguring and embarrassing mantra of perpetual growth. However, to criticize capitalism or suggest additional regulation is to be branded a socialist, or worse, a communist. These institutions are designed to churn out replicas and servants of the men who finance them. They no more comprehend the real essence of economics than they do the impossibility of perpetual growth, whose physics counterpart is perpetual motion.

The substitution of empire with economic hegemony in pursuit of that mantra is tyranny, whether practiced by a democratically elected or despotically confiscated government.

To forego this opportunity to evolve our understanding of ourselves and modify our pursuits (and our education institutions) accordingly is to guarantee the continuing disintegration of economy, ecology and ultimately population. For the surest outcome of all on a crowded planet of diminishing resources is warfare.

The opportunity and the lesson before us is to re-tool the whole value system to recognize that competition absent cooperation is self-destructive. If we don’t limit our desire and therefore our pursuit of private wealth, we ensure our limited capacity for growth, evolution, and survival.

For me, personally, the pursuit of millions and billions has been severely impaired by the forced revaluation of my financial arsenal. I had a higher net worth when I was in high school than now.

I’ve learned valuable lessons from this financial catastrophe, foremost among them is that if we all pursue a standard of living representative of millionaires and billionaires, we’re essentially doomed as a race.

Henceforth, my children will be taught that the pursuit of great personal wealth is essentially a criminal pursuit, and mastering the art of living modestly is the noble goal.

Jan 14, 2009
James West
email: midas@telus.net
website: MidasLetter

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…

does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

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If people from Poland are called Poles,

then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

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If it’s true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge,

would they call it Fed UP? ?

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What hair color do they put on

the driver’s licenses of bald men?

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with

tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what

do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

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Why do they put pictures of

criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write

to them? Why don’t they just put

their pictures on the postage stamps

so the mailmen can look for them while

they deliver the mail?

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Is it true that you never really learn

to swear until you learn to drive?

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As income tax time approaches, did

you ever notice: When you put the

two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it

spells

‘THEIRS’?

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