Jokes | Forward Ever Forward

October 6, 2011

FW: Penguin Burial Rituals

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica—where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

FW: The Smart Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

FW: The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!” The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Enzo signs back, “OK. You win!

The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just LOVE lawyers?! Just brings tears to your eyes!

FW: Why Life is Hard After 20

On the first day, God created the dog and said: ‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years; How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So, that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

FW: The Importance of a Tie in the Desert

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

“Your stinking brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

FW: Stephen Colbert on Mormonism

A humorous look by Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert on whether Mormons are weird or not.

The Colbert Report

Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Yahweh or No Way? – Mormons & God’s Poll Numbers

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

Video Archive

Fw: The Hot Guys and their 30th Reunion

Coming to Your Town Soon

Can you believe it has been 30 years since these HOT MEN came dancing into our lives???

Then it all went wrong
A CHIPPENDALES 30TH REUNION…..

FW: Confucius Says

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tyred.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man’s well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humour!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1 Or more people..Nothing will happen!!!

FW: About Your Dead Parrot Señor Wilson

THE PHONE RINGS:

“Hello Señor Wilson, I am the caretaker at your country house in Mexico.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Wilson.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Wilson.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Wilson, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Heavens! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Señor Wilson.”

“There’s electricity at the house, what was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Wilson.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Wilson. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G 15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep trouble!”

FW: Amish Elevator

An Amish father and his oldest son were visiting a mall one day.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The son asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son “Go get your Mother.”

Forward Ever Forward

FW: Penguin Burial Rituals

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