Jokes | Forward Ever Forward

February 5, 2012

FW: Super Bowl

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

“No,” she said, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

Somberly, the woman says, “Well, the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that, that’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else—a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The woman shakes her head, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

FW: A Call from Almighty God

There once was a minister whose storefront church was called The Almighty God Tabernacle. One Sunday, this minister was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. The phone rang and rang, but his wife didn’t answer the phone.

The minister hung up and tried again. This time his wife answered right away. He asked her why she hadn’t answered before, but she said that she hadn’t heard the phone ring. The minister brushed it off and didn’t give it a second thought.

The next day the phone the minister used to call his wife began to ring. He answered it and there was a long pause on the other end. Finally, a man quietly asked the minister why he had called the previous night.

The minister couldn’t figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, “My phone rang and rang, but I didn’t answer.” The minister then remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he intended to call his wife.

There was another long pause before the man said, “I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, ‘God if you’re there, and you don’t want me to do this, give me a sign now.’ At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, ‘Almighty God.’ I was too afraid to answer!”

FW: Two Fathers

Two blondes were sitting in a cafe drinking tea after an afternoon of shopping. When one of the blonde’s cell phone starts to ring. She answers it and starts to cry uncontrollably. After she gains control of her sobbing and can speak, she tells her friend that her father has just died.

A few minutes later, her cell phone rings again, she answers it and starts sobbing uncontrollably again. Finally she stops sobbing long enough to tell her friend that that was her brother and his father has just died too!!!

FW: Some Great Santa Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: “I don’t like sprouts!”

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, “No L!”

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it ” soots ” him!

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive?”
A: Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

FW: A Brave Man at the Dentist

A man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

FW: Why There Are So Many Blonde Jokes

Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)

Q. What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation!

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

FW: The Governor’s Wife

There is a cute story told about the Governor of Texas, then Mark White.

Governor White and his wife were driving through the open Texas countryside one-day, out for a relaxing drive and talk.

The couple happened to be around the area where Mrs. White grew up, and as they pulled into a gas station to fuel up and check out the car, Mark noticed a little nervousness with his wife. He didn’t say anything, but when the gas station attendant came out to their car, Mark began to notice what was really going on. Both his wife and the attendant looked surprised to see each other, and they acted with that awkwardness that two people have when they’ve been close in the past, but weren’t anymore.

Governor White pretended not to notice this. They finished at the gas station and continued back down the highway. The car fell silent and neither said a word. For a long time they remained silent, and all the while Mrs. White kept looking out the window, staring off out into the distance. Mark was considerate and patient with this silence, and he continued to drive in the silence. But after the silence had gone on for almost an hour, he interrupted, trying to break the silence.

“Honey, I couldn’t help but notice how you and that gas station attendant looked at each other. You were involved with each other at one point, weren’t you,” he asked?

“Well, yea,” She responded, quietly.

“Well, I guess I know how you feel. You were probably thinking about that and needed some space, right,” he continued?

“Yea,” she said again.

“I guess you were probably thinking about how different your two lives had become. I guess you were thinking that if you had married him, then you’d be the wife of a gas station attendant now, instead of my wife. Right,” he said?

“Well, No. Actually I was thinking that he’d be the governor now.”

FW: 100+ Corny Halloween Jokes

Q. What do ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
Q. What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music? A. Wrap!!!!!
Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q. What’s a monster’s favorite bean? A. A human bean.
Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.
Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A. You suck.
Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A.Ghoul
Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.
Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.
Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A. He didn’t have a haunting license.
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.
Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.
Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.
Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line.
Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the coffin.
Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he is always a goblin.
Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A. A toasty ghosty.
Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.
Q. What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae? A. Whipped scream.
Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine’s day? A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
Q. What are ghosts’ favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends
Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving
Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.
Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.
Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!
Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective? A. Sherlock Moans.
Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed
Q. Who was the most famous witch detective? A. Warlock Holmes
Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop? A. Scream or sugar!
Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A. Sherlock Bones.
Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart
Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A. The Vampire State Building.
Q. Where do most werewolves live? A. In howllywood, California
Q. Where do most goblins live? A. in North and South Scarolina.
Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche? A. At a ghastly station.
Q. What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? A. Fettucinni Afraid-o
Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? A. to see the boogy man.
Q. What do witches use in their hair? A. scare-spray
Q. What do you call a little monsters parents A. mummy and deady
Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A. sour-puss
Q. How do you scare a mummy A. with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A. blood-thirsty hacker.
Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan? A. It’s drafty under that sheet.
Q. What instrument do skeleton play? A: Trom-BONE.
Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast? A. Boo-Berries.
Q: Why did’t the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.
Q. Why do vampires scare people? A. They are bored to death!
Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A. Every night he turns into a bat.
Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It’s a pain in the neck.
Q. What songs does Dracula hate? A. “You Are My Sunshine.”
Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? A. She bats her eyes.
Q. What is a vampires least favorite food? A. Steak
Q. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A. A grave problem.
Q. Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula? A. He has a bat temper.
Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist? A. He had a fang-ache.
Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.
Q. Who does Dracula get letters from? A. His fang club.
Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew? A. Boo Boo Gum.
Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin.
Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.
Q. What can’t you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale? A. A white sale.
Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A. A boo-tie.
Q. What’s a ghosts favorite desert? A. Boo-berry pie.
Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!
Q. What’s a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!
Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Q. When does a ghost have breakfast? A. In the moaning.
Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast? A. Coffee with scream and sugar.
Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation? A. Mali-boo.
Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.
Q. Where did the ghost get it’s hair done? A: At the boo-ty shop.
Q. Riddle: the maker does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.
Q. What do they teach in witching school? A. Spelling.
Q. What do you call a witch’s garage? A. A broom closet.
Q. What do you call two witches living together? A. Broommates.
Q. Why don’t mummies take vacations? A. They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get boooooo-ze.
Q. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car? A. Fasten your sheet belts.
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to see a scary movie? A. He didn’t have the guts.
Q. What did the corpse’ mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him
Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.
Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.
Q. Why don’t ghost have bands? A. They get booooooooooed.
Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.
Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!
Q. What’s a Vampire’s least favorite song? A. Another one bites the dust!
Q. What is a Skeleton’s favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone
Q. Whats a ghost’s favorite type of car? A. A boo-ick
Q. Where do ghost go for fun? A. To the boo-vies
Q. What’s a skeletons favorite part of the house? A. the living room
Q. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A. It raises their spirits.
Q. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine
Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite
Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!
Q. What is a ghost’s favorite band? A. The Boos Brothers
Q. What did Dracula have for dessert? A. Whine & Ice scream
Q. What is Dracula’s favorite restaurant? A. Murder King
Q. What is a Ghost’s favorite food? A. HamBoogers
Q: What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful!
Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. People are dying to get in.
Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!
Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!
Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? A. They suck! (or they bite!)

FW: The Blonde & The Barking Dog

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!”

FW: A Flight of Assumptions

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Lets go.”

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for the news,” he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

“So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?”

Moral of the Story: NEVER assume—ALWAYS ask
.

Forward Ever Forward

FW: Super Bowl

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