Forward Ever Forward

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.

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the below Forwarded Email was received from Nicky in South Africa.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were traveling across country by car. Being Seniors, and after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to stop and get a hotel room. We only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $1,000.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it was a nice hotel; the rooms certainly weren’t worth $1,000 for four hours! He told me that $1,000 was the ‘standard rate.’ I insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared, listened to me, and explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” I said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” he said.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel was famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and all over the world perform here,” he informed me.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” I said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, I answered, “But we didn’t use it!” The manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But sir, this cheque is only made out for $100.” ”That’s correct. I charged you $900 for sleeping with my wife,” I replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the manager.

I said, “Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.”

(Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!

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A pilot at low level had little control over his aircraft. He narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into FOUR buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Thank Goodness for Spray ‘n’ Wash!

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After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it,they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night — early birds.

Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

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Some of the artists of the 60′s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.

They include:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Bobby Darin ~

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash

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~Herman’s Hermits ~

Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Ringo Starr ~

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The

~Bee Gees ~

How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Roberta Flack~

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Johnny Nash~

I Can’t See Clearly Now

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Paul Simon~

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ The Commodores ~

Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Procol Harem~

A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Leo Sayer  ~

You

Make Me Feel Like Napping

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~The Temptations ~

Papa’s

Got A Kidney Stone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Abba~

Denture Queen

“You haven’t seen my teeth have you

Wilma?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Tony Orlando ~

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Helen Reddy ~

I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Leslie Gore~

It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

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And Last but NOT least…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Willie Nelson ~

On the Commode Again

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I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.

I wasn’t sure where that was, but was told I wouldn’t have much trouble finding it.

Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was…

There is nothing like the feel of the Sun on your face and the wind in your hair…..

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Does this sound familiar?

(If you’re over 30 and saying yes….call the doctor for an immediate appointment.)

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New Direction for any war:

Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists.You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing Bass-ackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ’My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some jerks thatdesperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the heck. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-gun.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns… We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet. 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way. 

Let the old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old men with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting women over 50—in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night.

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