And this is how it goes…

I decide to wash the car, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I’m going to wash the car.

BUT FIRST

I’m going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.

BUT FIRST

I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops. . .there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook.

BUT FIRST

I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. Hey what’s it doing there? I’ll just put it away.

BUT FIRST

I need to water those plants. I head for the door and. . .Aaaagh, stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants.

BUT FIRST

I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY:

Car not washed, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control—and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because—

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY.
I realize this condition is serious,
I’ll get help.

BUT FIRST

I think I’ll check my e-mail.

Very busy. Talk to you later.

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You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway

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I thought you needed help with texting your friends. After all, the kids have all their little codes, like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:

ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help!

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

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THIS IS US!

YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I’m the life of the party—even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening child proof caps—with a hammer.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn’t send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

Spread the laughter

Share the cheer

Let’s be happy

While we’re here.

Go Green – Recycle CONGRESS!!

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Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep..beeeeeppp …

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening!!!!!!!!!!!”

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To save the economy, on APRIL 20th,
the government will start deporting all of the old people
in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

I started crying when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!!

Well, what can I say?
Someone sent it to me
and I’m NOT going alone!

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NANCY PELOSI: The poor, misunderstood chicken crossed the road because he needed universal health care.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends,That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gaytoo. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it…

Ready? Scroll down, you’ll love this……….

Answer:

10 little piggies,

2 calves,

1 ass,

And an unknown number of hares,

Come on, you know you’re laughing!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.

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Click here to view the embedded video.

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