Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica—where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

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Can you believe it has been 30 years since these HOT MEN came dancing into our lives???

Then it all went wrong
A CHIPPENDALES 30TH REUNION…..

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MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

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Click here to view the embedded video.

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukkah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”

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It’s really easy to check out claims like the one below before passing them on.

1. Go to Snopes.com

2. Type into the search field whatever you’re looking for. (In this case, I typed in “Refuse the new coin”)

3. A true or false declaration with a brief definition pulls up. If there is no research done on a particular subject, that info will pull up as well.

FALSE - FORWARDED EMAIL BELOW:

U.S.Government to Release New Dollar Coins
Please help do this.. Refuse to accept these when they are handed to you.
I received one from the Post Office as change and I asked for a dollar bill instead.
The lady just smiled and said ‘way to go’, so she had read this e -mail.
Please help out..our world is in enough trouble without this too!!!!!

You guessed it
‘IN GOD WE TRUST’ IS GONE!!!
If ever there was a reason to boycott something, THIS IS IT!!!!

DO NOT ACCEPT THE NEW DOLLAR COINS AS CHANGE

Together we can force them out of circulation

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You know you want it…

The Devil’s very own Craftsman 21″ 5.5 HP Self-propelled Lawnmower. Yes, that is correct, this is in fact Satan’s lawn mower. Manufactured in Hell and shipped via the S.S. Titanic to a Sears store where I bought it.

This lawnmower is no ordinary lawnmower. No. I had hoped to buy an ordinary lawnmower, but instead got this pile of trash.

The sticker on the top indicates that it has a Honda engine. The funny thing is we all know that there is no way that Honda ever built that engine. It is really a Volkswagen engine assembled in Nazi Germany by Hitler himself.

The 5.5 HP engine is so powerful that you might wonder what HP stands for. Well that’s horsepower. Cause it turns out that by horsepower, Craftsman really means Shetland Pony power. And by Shetland Pony power, they actually mean “Not really alive anymore Shetland Pony Power.” You’d really have more luck harnessing a couple of cats to the front and having them pull it.

The sticker also indicates that it is the “Quietest and Lightest” engine available. This is surely a scientific claim verified by a couple deaf body-builders, because the only thing it is quieter and lighter than is a 1965 Lincoln Continental that is missing its exhaust system.

Conveniently, the gas tank that holds exactly enough gas to mow 95% of your yard without needing a refill, and was painted red by Mussolini or Kim Jong Ill, I’m not sure which.

The hardened steel cutting blades is as sharp as it was when it came out of the factory, and while it wont actually cut grass, it will cut things like match box cars, children’s yard toys, and every other sprinkler head in my yard.

This mower mulches or bags. Neither of which it actually really does. It has a side discharge flap that is built of super strong plastic made with a couple melted Ziploc bags. And it NEVER EVER just randomly falls off when you are mowing, covering your face and body with lawn clippings. Who would ever design a mower that would do that? No not even a bitter UAW union worker that was forced to build this piece of crap when he really wanted to be at the Detroit Lions game.

The lawnmower’s favorite movies are, “Thelma and Louse,” “Fried Green Tomatoes,” and “Beaches.” It once went to see “Saw IV,” but had to leave the theater because it got too scared seeing things getting cut.

The oil was last changed sometime during the Clinton administration. But, that said, the lawnmower does come with a lifetime of free oil-changes* (*To redeem your oil changes please contact BP in the Gulf of Mexico, or proceed directly to Pensacola Beach and scoop up a lifetime of free oil.)

This lawnmower has actually achieved Sainthood, when in 2002 it mowed a twenty foot strip of lawn without having the bag chute get clogged! This miracle, though it has never happened again, was witnessed by a 12 year old boy. For more details, contact his local priest. Well on second thought, don’t. He didn’t do anything to that kid. The worst he ever did was maybe watch a couple of episodes of Family Guy. And he is not a pervert. Instead please contact the former Cardinal Ratzinger who will vehemently deny all allegations.

This lawnmower has hardly been used. Any part that was actually used has been replaced because its superior construction and design allow for you to change out quality plastic parts over and over that should have been metal but they were to cheap to use it.

This lawn mower was actually made for a princess to mow her yard made out of cotton candy.

Because of the quality construction, you are the lucky individual that will get this “like new” lawnmower to learn such valuable things about a lawnmower than you never wanted to learn, like:

1) “Guaranteed to start with a single pull” would be true if it had a string long enough to hook to an Atlas V rocket that is going to the moon.

2) “Adjustable-height mowing deck” manages to always scalp part of your lawn any way you adjust it.

3) “Easy Attach Bagger” locks that pesky grass in the bag so that no matter how hard you shake it, that grass will be stuck in there until you finally give up trying to get it out.

The throttle cable is currently broken. I just jammed a screwdriver in there this last time to mow with it. Worked better than usual.

I considered hooking it to the back of my car with a rope and driving it down I-15 at 130mph, but instead want to offer the chance for someone else to feel my pain and am selling it to a “deserving” home. One that might have a yard covered completely in rocks or dead grass.

$100 for this little piece of history.

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s

The phone rings, you pick it up, and the caller identifies himself as an officer of the court. He says you failed to report for jury duty and that a warrant is out for your arrest. You say you never received a notice. To clear it up, the caller says he’ll need some information for “verification purposes”-your birth date, social security number, maybe even a credit card number.

This is when you should hang up the phone. It’s a scam.

Jury scams have been around for years, but have seen a resurgence in recent months. Communities in more than a dozen states have issued public warnings about cold calls from people claiming to be court officials seeking personal information. As a rule, court officers never ask for confidential information over the phone; they generally correspond with prospective jurors via mail.

The scam’s bold simplicity may be what makes it so effective. Facing the unexpected threat of arrest, victims are caught off guard and may be quick to part with some information to defuse the situation.

“They get you scared first,” says a special agent in the Minneapolis field office who has heard the complaints. “They get people saying, ‘Oh my gosh! I’m not a criminal. What’s going on?’” That’s when the scammer dangles a solution-a fine, payable by credit card, that will clear up the problem.

With enough information, scammers can assume your identity and empty your bank accounts.

“It seems like a very simple scam,” the agent adds. The trick is putting people on the defensive, then reeling them back in with the promise of a clean slate. “It’s kind of ingenious. It’s social engineering.”

In recent months, communities in Florida, New York, Minnesota, Illinois, Colorado, Oregon, California, Virginia, Oklahoma, Arizona, and New Hampshire reported scams or posted warnings or press releases on their local websites. In August, the federal court system issued a warning on the scam and urged people to call their local District Court office if they receive suspicious calls. In September, the FBI issued a press release about jury scams and suggested victims also contact their local FBI field office.

In March, USA.gov, the federal government’s information website, posted details about jury scams in their Frequently Asked Questions area. The site reported scores of queries on the subject from website visitors and callers seeking information.

The jury scam is a simple variation of the identity-theft ploys that have proliferated in recent years as personal information and good credit have become thieves’ preferred prey, particularly on the Internet. Scammers might tap your information to make a purchase on your credit card, but could just as easily sell your information to the highest bidder on the Internet’s black market.

Protecting yourself is the key: Never give out personal information when you receive an unsolicited phone call.

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