Forward Ever Forward

Submitted by: Mary Ann (Albuquerque, New Mexico)

1. Birds of a feather flock together . . . ..and then crap on your car.
2. A penny saved is a government oversight.
3. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
5. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
6. He who hesitates is probably right.
7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
10. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
11. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
15. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
16. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
17. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
18. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
19. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
20. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . AMEN!

Sometimes you know that you should stay away from an establishment because of the vehicles parked outside it. For example, a Biker Bar may be an intimidating place to enter with all those choppers parked outside.

Of course if you are in Florida, the Biker Bar might look a little different.

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said,
‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes
later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says..
‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!

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‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy,
isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied,
‘it’s Thursday..’ And the third man chimed in,
‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the
soup.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know
we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t
think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I
can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How
soon do you need to know?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice
urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news
that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman,
‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

____________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.’

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day….!

As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention…

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up & stays the rest of the day…he doesnt like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint…

After such a busy day, I’m really tired & glad
To go to bed with Ben Gay

What a Life!…Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer…

And thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company!!

REMEMBER: Life is like a roll of toilet paper …the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes..
So have fun, think good thoughts only….. learn to laugh at yourself and Count your blessings!

When Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her
69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan ‘s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was
“My Favourite Things” from the legendary movie “The Sound Of Music.”ju

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Everyone loves bumper stickers. Here’s some with an aged perspective.

Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded , ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

~~~

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104
the reporter asked.She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

~~~

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

~~~

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia …
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness
I still have my driver’s license.

~~~

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

~~~

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

~~~

Know how to prevent sagging
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

~~~

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

~~~

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
For fast relief.’

~~~

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~

Always Remember This:

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!

~~~

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6,
maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends
if you can remember who they are!

~~~

~~~

~If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.~

~Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.~

~Going to a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.~

~It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.~

~Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.~

~ My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.~

~ Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.~

~It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.~

~ For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.~

~If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.~

~Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.~

~ A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.~

~Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how
lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)~

~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.~

~No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.~

~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.~

~ Middle age is when broadness of the mind &
narrowness of the waist change places.~

~Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.~

~Junk is something you’ve kept for years &
throw away three weeks before you need it.~

~ There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.~

~ Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.~

~By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.~

~ Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.~

~Someone who thinks logically provides
a nice contrast to the real world.~

~If you must choose between two evils,
chose the one that you’ve never tried before.~

Thoughts are from Grandma Faith’s website

BREAKING NEWS!!

BREAKING NEWS!!

BREAKING NEWS!!

To save the economy in 2009, the Obama government will start deporting all of the old people in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, my friend, RUN !!!!