How Dinosaurs became extinct – The very first “senior moment”

So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you,

what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will

get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!

New teeth, no problem.

Need glasses, great.

New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

All covered.

(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “who was that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

AN EASY WAY TO QUICKLY CLEAN YOUR TOILET

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up, and add
1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in
the bowl.

———

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
you carry him towards the bathroom.

———

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat
in the toilet and close the lid. You may
need to stand on the lid.

———

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the
toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

———

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a power-wash and rinse.

———

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the
bathroom and the front door.

———

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,
and quickly lift the lid.

———

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak
through the bathroom, and run outside where he
will dry himself off.

———

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day……

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work…….. soooo maybe I’ll go fishing.

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER~

Dang….
I forgot what it was…

Submitted by: Mary Ann (Albuquerque, New Mexico)

1. Birds of a feather flock together . . . ..and then crap on your car.
2. A penny saved is a government oversight.
3. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
5. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
6. He who hesitates is probably right.
7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
10. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
11. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
15. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
16. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
17. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
18. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
19. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
20. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . AMEN!

Sometimes you know that you should stay away from an establishment because of the vehicles parked outside it. For example, a Biker Bar may be an intimidating place to enter with all those choppers parked outside.

Of course if you are in Florida, the Biker Bar might look a little different.

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said,
‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes
later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says..
‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!

____________________________________________________________

‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy,
isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied,
‘it’s Thursday..’ And the third man chimed in,
‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

___________________________________________________________

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the
soup.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

____________________________________________________________

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know
we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t
think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I
can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How
soon do you need to know?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

___________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice
urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news
that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman,
‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.’

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day….!

As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention…

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up & stays the rest of the day…he doesnt like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint…

After such a busy day, I’m really tired & glad
To go to bed with Ben Gay

What a Life!…Oh yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer…

And thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company!!

REMEMBER: Life is like a roll of toilet paper …the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes..
So have fun, think good thoughts only….. learn to laugh at yourself and Count your blessings!