Archive for the ‘Blondes’ Category.

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January 7, 2012

FW: Two Fathers

Two blondes were sitting in a cafe drinking tea after an afternoon of shopping. When one of the blonde’s cell phone starts to ring. She answers it and starts to cry uncontrollably. After she gains control of her sobbing and can speak, she tells her friend that her father has just died.

A few minutes later, her cell phone rings again, she answers it and starts sobbing uncontrollably again. Finally she stops sobbing long enough to tell her friend that that was her brother and his father has just died too!!!

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Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)

Q. What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.

Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation!

Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.

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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!”

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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.” 

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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Yes, Here’s Another One:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…

You’ll love this. I know you will………..

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,”What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

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January 14, 2011

FW: Speeding Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated.


“What does it look like?” she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman.


“Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,


“OK, you can go.. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

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Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road, and of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me—I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What is going on here?” he asked.

“My car had a flat tire,” I said calmly.

:Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know.

So I told him:

“Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

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July 17, 2009

FW: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house

with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,

and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed

a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Helloooo………..

4 dumb blonde
Just because I’m blonde

doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had

told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would

pay for themselves!

So I told him, Hellooooo, It’s been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of

the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot. It’s been a year!

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A contestant Sally, on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she
would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, ‘Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had
used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her ask the Audience Lifeline. All that
remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to
use it because…….. Her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no
alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: ‘That’s easy. The answer is
C: the cuckoo’.

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, ‘C: The cuckoo.’

‘Is that your final answer?’

‘Yes, that is my final answer.’

‘That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!’

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

‘Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ‘ said the contestant.
‘How did you happen to know the right answer?’

‘Oh, come on,’ said the blonde ‘Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t
build nests. They live in clocks.’

Sally fainted.

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