Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta , Georgia , told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta , on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket… When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the “Toys for Tots” program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The police report stated, “The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw…injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.”

Now that was a well written police report.

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Can you believe it has been 30 years since these HOT MEN came dancing into our lives???

Then it all went wrong
A CHIPPENDALES 30TH REUNION…..

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Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie and thought better of it. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “and your species rules the earth?” However, I reasoned that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t really hurt all that bad. So, I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…HOLY MOTHER OF MONKEYS….WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION….WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

P.S. My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

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Click here to view the embedded video.

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Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone’s attention……I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards…then you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone tailgating you….I don’t know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!!!!!!

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

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Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions.  Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1.  Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter.  As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You decide:

A.  Present it to the President of the United States.
B.  Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C.  Take it apart.

2.  As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A.  Innocence.
B.  Idealism.
C.  Cherry bombs.

3.  When is it okay to kiss another male?

A.  When you have decided to switch teams.
B.  When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.  When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4.  What about hugging another male?

A.  If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B.  If you’re performing the Heimlich Maneuver.
C.  If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5.  In your opinion, the ideal pet is…

A.  A cat
B.  A dog
C.  A dog that eats cats

6.  You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.  You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers.  Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.  She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

A.  That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B.  That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot Honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C.  That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7.  Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B.  You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach and you say her name. When she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C.  Tell her what?

8.  One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:
A.  “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B.  “They’re in school already?”
C.  “There are three of them?”

9.  When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A.  When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B.  When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C.  It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard them.

10.  What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A.  He was being tested.
B.  He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
C.  He refused to ask for directions.

11.  What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A.  Democracy.
B.  Religion.
C.  The remote control.

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