Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category.

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February 5, 2012

FW: Super Bowl

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

“No,” she said, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

Somberly, the woman says, “Well, the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that, that’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else—a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The woman shakes her head, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

 

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Carol’s husband was killed in an accident last year. Jim, only fifty-two years old, was driving home from work, the other driver was a teenager with a very high blood alcohol level. Jim died instantly. The teenager was in the emergency room for less than two hours.

There were other ironic twists: It was Carol’s fiftieth birthday, and Jim had two plane tickets to Hawaii in his pocket. He was going to surprise her. Instead, he was killed by a drunk driver.

“How have you survived this?” I finally asked Carol, a year later.

Her eyes welled up with tears. I thought I had said the wrong thing, but she gently took my hand and said, “It’s all right; I want to tell you. The day I married Jim, I promised I would never let him leave the house in the morning without telling him I loved him. He made the same promise. It got to be a joke between us, and as babies came along, it got to be a hard promise to keep. I remember running down the driveway, saying ‘I love you’ through clenched teeth when I was mad, or driving to the office to put a note in his car. It was a funny challenge.”

“We made a lot of memories trying to say ‘I love you’ before noon every day of our married life.”

“The morning Jim died, he left a birthday card in the kitchen and slipped out to the car. I heard the engine starting. Oh, no, you don’t, buster, I thought. I raced out and banged on the car window until he rolled it down.”

“Here on my fiftieth birthday, Mr. James E. Garret, I Carol Garret, want to go on record as saying I love you!”

“That’s how I’ve survived. Knowing that the last words I said to Jim were ‘I love you!’”

Written by Debbi Smoot

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1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
—Alan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
—Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
—Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
—Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want any more kids.”
—Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
—Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
—Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
—Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
—Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
—Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
—Anita, age 9

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
—Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ……

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck .”
—Ricky, age 10

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April 11, 2010

FW: Relationship Science

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March 6, 2010

FW: Match Made In Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”

“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!

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February 17, 2010

Fw: Installing A Husband


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 4.0, NFL 3.0 and Video Games 5.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 4.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or Beer 5.1. Please note that Beer 5.1 is a very bad program which will download the Passing Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Caution:Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background which will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)  In addition, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 5.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support

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January 24, 2010

FW: A Happy Ending

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…. …….including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?????

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An elderly woman was once asked the secret of her long successful marriage. She said that when she first got married, she decided to make a list of 10 of her husband’s bad habits and promised to overlook them.

When pressed about what those ten bad habits were, she admited, “I never got around to making that list.” But, she said that whenever her husband did something that made her angry, she’d just say that lucky for him, that one was on the list.

Being lighthearted can keep problems in perspective. Scientists have told us for years that laughter is a wonderful medicine. Laughter reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, improves brain function and boosts our immune system. Using humor can help with life’s ups and downs.

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Charmed woman marries cobra in India

Jun 2 01:43 PM US/Eastern

A woman who fell in love with a snake has reportedly married the reptile at a traditional Hindu wedding celebrated by 2,000 guests in India’s Orissa state.

Bimbala Das wore a silk saree for the ceremony Wednesday at Atala village near the Orissa state capital Bhubaneswar.

Priests chanted mantras to seal the union, but the snake failed to come out of a nearby ant hill where it lives, the Press Trust of India (PTI) said.

A brass replica snake stood in for the hesitant groom.

“Though snakes cannot speak nor understand, we communicate in a peculiar way,” Das, 30, told the agency.

“Whenever I put milk near the ant hill where the cobra lives, it always comes out to drink.

“I always get to see it every time I go near the ant hill. It has never harmed me,” she added.

Villagers welcomed the wedding in the belief it would bring good fortune and laid on a feast for the big day.

Snakes and particularly the King Cobra are venerated in India as religious symbols worn by Lord Shiva, the god of destruction.

Das, from a lower caste, converted to the animal-loving vegetarian Vaishnav sect whose local elders gave her permission to marry the cobra, the world’s largest venomous snake that can grow up to five metres.

“I am happy,” said her mother Dyuti Bhoi, who has two other daughters and two sons to marry off.

“Bimbala was ill,” Bhoi told local OTV channel. “We had no money to treat her. Then she started offering milk to the snake … she was cured. That made her fall in love.”

Das has moved into a hut built close to the ant hill since the wedding.

Earlier this year, a tribal girl was married off to a dog on the outskirts of Bhubaneswar.

Copyright AFP 2005, AFP stories and photos shall not be published, broadcast, rewritten for broadcast or publication or redistributed directly or indirectly in any medium

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