Archive for the ‘Children’ Category.

February 16, 2010

FW: Driver’s License

A mother is driving her little girl to
her friend’s house for a play date.

‘Mommy,’the little girl asks, ‘how old are  you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a
lady her age,’the mother replied.
‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says,
‘those are personal questions and
are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks,
‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady!  Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as
the two friends begin to play.

‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about
her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the  friend,’all you need to do is
look at her driver’s license. It’s like a
report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks,
‘How did you  find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that  out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,
‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

February 7, 2010

FW: The Child You Never Want

November 14, 2009

FW: Why We Love Children

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November 8, 2009

FW: Butt Dust

What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you just look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked his Mom: ‘How much do I cost?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried, when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant.. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘ The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .

This particular Sunday sermon…’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.. ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

September 23, 2009

FW: Daddy’s Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.

Today was Daddy’s Day at school,

and she couldn’t wait to go.

~~~

But her mummy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

~~~

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn’t there today.

~~~

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

~~~

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

~~~

There were daddies along the back wall,

for everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats.

~~~

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

~~~

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn’t there.

~~~

‘Where’s her daddy at?’

She heard a boy call out.

‘She probably doesn’t have one,’

another student dared to shout.

~~~

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say,

‘Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day.’

~~~

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mum.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

~~~

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

~~~

‘My Daddy couldn’t be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

~~~

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

~~~

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

~~~

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you can not see him.

I’m not standing here alone.

~~~

‘Cause my daddy’s always with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he’ll forever be in my heart.

~~~

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

~~~

And from  somewhere in the crowd of dads,

her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

~~~

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was right.

~~~

And when she dropped her hand back down,

staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

~~~

‘I love my daddy very much,

he’s my shining star.

And if he could, he’d be here,

but heaven’s just too far.

~~~

You see he is a soldier

And died just this past year

When a roadside bomb hit his convoy

and taught brave men to fear.

~~~

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it’s like he never went away.’

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

~~~

And to her mother’s amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

~~~

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

~~~

‘I know you’re with me Daddy,’

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers,

of those once filled with doubt.

~~~

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long – stemmed pink rose.

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And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,

by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing,

that heaven is never too far.

September 20, 2009

FW: Finding God

Finding God
~Author Unknown~

I helped a little child to see
That God had made a willow tree
And God became more real to me.

I tried to lead a child through play
To grow more Christ-like every day
And I myself became that way.

I joined a junior child in prayer
And as we bowed in worship there
I felt the dear Lord’s loving care.

Lord, keep us ever quick to see
By guiding children, we find thee.

A Dog’s Purpose? (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.


Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.”


Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.

He said,”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?”


The six-year-old continued,”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”


Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do..

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it..

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

August 25, 2009

FW: Cancer Cure

This is the cutest breast cancer email I have ever received.



1bc

August 13, 2009

FW: The Middle Wife

The
‘Middle Wife’ by an
Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little 2nd grade girl, Erica, a
very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke,
my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of
their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew
in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow,
and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids
are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying, ‘Oh, Oh,Oh, Oh!’
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She
walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning..)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They
got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of
water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over
the bed, like psshhheew!’
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push,
push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center,
(placenta) so there must be a
lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,
when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another ‘ Middle Wife’ comes along.

Only out of the mouth of babes!

1children

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” “What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear