Creativity | Forward Ever Forward

May 29, 2011

FW: Michael Jackson Meets Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Here ladies and gentlemen is music at its finest form.

FW: Liquid Mountaineering…A New Sport?

Many people are not certain if Liquid Mountaineering is truly a new sport or just a hoax. Liquid Mountaineering takes place when an individual attempts to achieve what man has tried to do for centuries: walk on water. Or to be more precise: running on water. The below video shows a group who claims to have gone farther than any anyone else. Watch the video and then read what the critics have to say below.

The peeps on snopes have their doubts on the validity of this sport. Concerning the video here is their take: “You can see how shallow the water is in a few shots. There’s even a bush growing out of it. (Another one on the other side, as well as the tree you can see in the initial still.) Clearly the lake is just a bit fuller than usual and they can run to the point where the edge would usually be, when it suddenly drops away, at the point where they all fall over.”

Hoax or not, at least it is less painful when you fall than other sports.

FW: New Type of Graffiti—Yarn Bombing

Yarn bombing is new style of graffiti that is gaining popularity around the world. Basically, people knit covers for public fixtures, and that is it. However, it seems to be something the public loves. The first picture below is the Wall Street Bull being Yarn Bombed. You can watch the youtube video of the artist, Olek, undertake this bombing.

FW: Sleepy Man Banjo Boys

Brothers Jonny Mizzone age 8 on banjo, Robbie Mizzone age 12 on fiddle, and Tommy Mizzone age 13 on guitar. It’s insane that anyone at that age can play those instruments that well!

FW: The Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke.
How can you still be standing Oak?

The oak tree said, I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away
Shake my limbs, and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You’ll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn’t sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
I’m stronger than I ever knew

FW: Car Doors of the Future

Slightly dated cars, but the concept of an inline car door is pure genius. Unfortunately, the purpose of the door b-pillar is safety, removing it will have an adverse affect on the safety of the car. I guess for now we are going to have to deal with door dings, and car doors opening too wide into traffic.

FW: The Wishing Poem

The world is full of wishing-folks,
Who sit and dream and smile,
And never seem to get around
To doing things worthwhile.

They all would like the praise that goes,
With reputations grand -
But do not care to pay the price,
To earn such praise from man.

And yet – there’s no way else to win,
Success and worthwhile praise,
Than rolling up the sleeves – and then,
To toil thru endless days.

Edward V. Wood

FW: How Did They Get Into Heaven???

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp–
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.’

‘And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber – give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said,
‘they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember…Just going to church doesn’t make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST…
Every sinner has a FUTURE!

Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil……it has no point……

FW: Interview With Creepy Hand Model

It goes to prove that even creepy people can make a successful living!

http://forwardeverforward.com/vids/creepy-hand-model.flv

FW: Snowball, The Bird Who Can Dance!

http://forwardeverforward.com/vids/snowball-dances-to-queen.flv

FW: Rebecca Black’s Friday Music Video

This music video was created by 13 year old Rebecca Black. She has become an internet sensation for good and bad. We here at FEF definitely have an opinion on the music, but we will leave it up to you decide!

FW: How All Horror Shows Should End

FW: Single Awareness Day (SAD)

Happy Valentine’s everyone. We figured that if you had love in your life you didn’t need yet another lovey-dovey forwarded email. Here’s a shout out to all those who are single, we hope you are enjoying SAD. ~FEF Editors

FW: Brazillian Michael Jackson

It is amazing how much this guy sounds like Michael Jackson!

FW: Fitness Centers in the 1950′s

An amazing video that shows what people did in the 1950′s for exercise. It also explains why arthritis is such a problem with those same people today Ü.

http://forwardeverforward.com/vids/fitness-centers-in-the-fifties.flv

FW: What Your Handwriting Reveals to Others

According to Sylvia Friedman, a certified master graphologist and handwriting analyst who has been working in the industry for twenty-five years, experts look at these criteria when analyzing handwriting.

Size
Small—good concentration, methodical, not very social
Medium—likes to be around people, but values alone time
Large—people-oriented, outgoing

Spacing
Wide—don’t want to be overwhelmed or crowded, needs freedom
Narrow—high irritability, one who puts pressure on himself

Shape of Letters
Rounded—creative, artistic
Pointed—intelligent, curious, intense
Connected—makes careful decisions, logical, systematic
Loopy—big imagination, sensitive to criticism, social

Dotting the “i”
Directly over—organized, good attention to detail, emphatic
High over—great imagination
To the left—procrastination
Circle—child-like or visionary
Slashing—irritation, little patience for inadequacy in others

Slant
Right (////)—caring, warm and outgoing, heart rules mind
Vertical (llll)—keeps emotions in check, mind rules heart
Left (\\\\)—conceals emotions, observed as cold and indifferent

Baseline (the direction a freehand sentence goes towards)
Steady—cool and calm, firm, confident and in control
Downwardly—acting upbeat while inside feeling overwhelmed, tired, or pessimistic
Upwardly—buoyant, cheerful, forceful and hopeful
Wavy—impetuous, instinctive, spontaneous, temperamental and unpredictable

Doodles
Boxes—needs structure and stability
Flowers—romantic, creative, and idealistic
Triangles—perfectionist, not a risk-taker
Circles—dreamer, takes things personally
Smiley face—optimistic, wants life to be beautiful

Signature
Both Names Legible—writier is self-confident, straightforward, optimistic, and socially relaxed
First Name Unlegible—writer is covering up personal identity
Last Name Unlegible—writer is hiding from business or formal activities
Both Names Unlegible—writer doesn’t like first or last name.
Low Capital Letters in First or Last Name—writer has a lack of self-confidence
Tall Capital Letters in First or Last Name—writer is domineering or has a egoistic nature.

FW: Seeing Before Opening

Hideyuki Nakayama’s glass glob doorknob refracts the scene on the other side of the door in its depths, giving you a preview of what is going on in the next room before you turn the knob.

FW: A Month After Christmas

‘Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled,
the eggnog I’d taste at the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as only I can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chips
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want to chew only on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!”

FW: Ancient Computer Built Out of Legos

FW: Creative Evolution–Weird but Amazing!

FW: Funny Christmas Songs

Wreck the Malls

(To the tune of “Deck The Halls”)
by Bob Rivers

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Blow your cash for no good reason
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

Push your charge card to the limit;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Your checkbook now has nothing in it.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Malls with my friend Charlie;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Drive to K-Mart on his Harley;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

Tamper with their Music System
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Switch something for Twisted Sister
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Wreck the Pet Store do some damage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;
Send the beagles on a rampage;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la;

Acting in an uncouth manner;
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Drop your drawers and moon that Santa.
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Dashing through the mall

(To the Tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the mall…
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way…

Ching … Ching … Ching …

Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!

Ching … Ching … Ching …

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it’s harmony-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say “not me”

Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights

Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children’s choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A… Happy… Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.

The Office Christmas Party

(To the tune of “The Day We Went To Bangor”)

Written by Bill Allen

(A chorus can be created by repeating the last two lines)

Didn’t we have
A lovely time
At the office Christmas party
Drunk as a skunk
On some ‘orrible plonk
Donated by the Sales Director
Dancing up close
And eyeing up those
We’d fancied all the season
While the girls and the boys
Made a terrible noise
As the booze went down

Jennifer’s bloke
Had purchased some coke
And shoved it up his nostrils
He never thought
That the sustance he’d bought
Was half an ounce of curry powder
He took a snort
Which rapidly brought
A change to his complexion
So he quickly withdrew
To the gentlemen’s loo
And they flushed him down

Oliver Ross
The regional boss
Came in from engineering
Trying to look slick
With some sexy young chick
He’d picked up in the sales department
He didn’t know
The naughty bimbo
Was Kate the chairman’s daughter
‘Til her daddy came back
Just to give him the sack
What a big put down

Two silly pratts
Came over from stats.
And both as kissed as armholes
Groping around
Every girl that they found
Looking for a Christmas garter
Adrian Bragg
Was dressed up in drag
Just for the occasion
But they got a suprise
When the tickled his thighs
And his skirt fell down

Rosemary Gray
The boss’s P.A.
Was dressed as Father Christmas
Slit up her skirt
And a transparent shirt
With sequins in the vital places
Rosie was caught
With Oliver Short
In the ladies rest room
Doing something obscene
On the vending machine
Hanging up-side-down

Timothy Groves
Discarded his clothes
And played his ukulele
Sat with a smile
On a cabinet file
Gently swinging to the music
Having a ball
With songs to recall
Those jolly days of Christmas
When Barbara Moore
Slammed the cabinet door
And the tears rolled down

Drinking Around The Christmas Tree

(To the Tune “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”)

Drinking around the Christmas tree
at the Christmas party rush,
Faces are hung o’er the balcony,
everybody is a lush.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
let the Christmas drunkards through,
Later we’ll do some vomiting,
and our arms will hug the loo.

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
your hangover’s on its way,
Everybody’s wearing ice pack hats
in the new old-fashioned way.

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree,
your hangover’s on its way,
Everybody’s wearing ice pack hats
in the new old-fashioned way.

(Written by Patrick Lonergan)

How Santa Really Knows

(To the Tune “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

You’d better watch out,
You’d better not cry,
You’d better not pout;
I’m telling you why.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

He’s bugging your room,
He’s reading your mail,
He’s keeping a file
And running a tail.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn’t get the goods,
Then he’ll use provocateurs.

So–you mustn’t assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He’ll kick in your door.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone.

The Night Santa Went Crazy

(by Weird Al Yankovic)

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin’ toys,
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys.
When the boss busted in, nearly scared ‘em half to death,
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath.

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
“Merry Christmas to all- now you’re all gonna DIE!”

The night Santa when crazy,
The night St. Nick went insane!
Realized he’d been getting’ a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.
Everywhere you’ll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger,
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger.
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen.
And he took a big bite and said, “It tastes just like chicken!”

The night Santa went crazy,
The night Kris Kringle went nuts.
Now you can’t hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin’ in reindeer guts.

There’s the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There’s a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin’
’round in the sky.
And the bullets are flyin’, the body count’s risin’ and everyone’s
dyin’ to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my,
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa’s doing time,
In a federal prison for his infamous crime.
Hey, little friend, now don’t you cry no more tears,
He’ll be out with good behavior in 700 more years.

But now Vixen’s in therapy and Donner’s still nervous,
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service.
And they say Mrs. Claus, she’s on the phone every night,
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They’re talking’ bout – the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nicholas flipped.
Broke his back for some milk and cookies,
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting’ gypped.

Wo, the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nick went insane,
Realized he’d been gettin’ a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain!
Tell ya, something must have snapped… in his brain!

Rudolph Got Run Over By My Grandma

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
Just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin’
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

She’d been listening to the radio
and she nearly lost her breath
yellin’ cuss words at the DJ
for playin’ that song where she gets hooved to death.

So she set out on the warpath
there was evil in her eye
she said “I’m gonna find that reindeer
and by golly, one of us is gonna die!”

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin’
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Santa Claus had made a landing
on the new expressway
Grandma was doin’ 120
with her headlights pointed straight at Santa’s sleigh.

‘Twas an awful sound of impact
Grandma really nailed him good
There were hoofprints on her windshield
and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin’
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Guess we’ll all be missing Rudolph
in the winter when it snows
but now he’s up in reindeer heaven
with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

But there’s no regret from Grandma
as she drove away, she sneered,
and then she hollered out the window
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!”

Chorus
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin’
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Walkin’ in a Doggie Wonderland

(To the Tune “Winter Wonderland)

Dog tags ring, are you listenin’?
In the lane, snow is glistenin’.
It’s yellow, NOT white – I’ve been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee, it’s MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it’s
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

Oh Little Bank Americard

(To The Tune “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem”)

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me Christmas Cheer
Without your clout I have no doubt
No gifts I’d give this year.
Your credit line allows me
To run up bills quite large
And when I’m through, exhausting you
I’ll use my Master Charge.

(Same tune, sung in late February)

Oh, little Bank Americard
You bring me discontent
I calculate Your int’rest rate
Is over twelve percent.
Each month, your cry for payments
My letter-box bombards;
I’m one more sap, caught in your trap
Next year I’ll just send cards.

Daddy’s Home And I Think He’s Drunk

(To The Tune Of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m tellin’ you why;

Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think
He’s shaved in two weeks,

Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of our money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo…. You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don’t like that look in his eye,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s…
Daddy’s home and boy is he…

Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

I Saw Elvis Dressed As Santa Claus

(To The Tune “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)
by The Fibs

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
I knew it must be him
Santa is a very slim.
And his sideburns where much darker
Than the whiskers on his chin.

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Spoken:
Yessiree, I saw Elvis sitting on Santa’s throne.
Really I did, and I’m gonna call the Enquirer,
Because after all,
Suspicious minds wanna know.
He had blue suede boots and bells,
You should have seen it for yourselves.

Sung:
And did you ever wonder why it is
They call his helpers Elves?

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Oh you can imagine my surprise,
When I saw through his disguise.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
He was sitting in Santa’s chair;
little sister pulling on his hair.
And I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding underneath that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well it makes me wanna sing
Blue Christmas like the King.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
Elvis here, Elvis there, Elvis everywhere!

I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas

(To The Tune “I’ll be Home for Christmas”)
by D M Goldstein

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
And One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I’m certain,
I won’t be alone;
I’ll be home for Christmas,
Or else I’ll send a Clone!

Web Addiction Holiday Sing Along

(To The Tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy — although
My boss let me go –
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”

With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web

I’m happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

Twelve Days Of Fast Food

(To The Tune “Twelve days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog,
And we’d begged her not to go.
But she’d left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin’,
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He’s been takin’ this so well.
See him in there watchin’ football,
Drinkin’ beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.

And we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’swig.
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves.”
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin’ home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

(Written by Randy Brooks)

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Every body stops
and stares at me
These two teeth are
gone as you can see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas.”
It seems so long since I could say,
“Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas!”

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
I don’t want a doll, no dinkey tinker toys
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy,

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don’t think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won’t have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That’s the easy thing to do.

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what a joy, Oh what a BIG surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinosaurus
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian
There’s lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I’d feed him there and wash him there and give him his massager

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what a joy and what a BIG surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!

Rusty Chevrolet

(To The Tune “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it’s gettin’ hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what’s the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa’s comin’ soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rus-ty Chev-ro-let!

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

(To the Tune “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn’t turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I’ve got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.

FW: Thanksgiving Poetry

Belly Stuffer
Thanksgiving always brings a terrible chore,
‘Cause I’m forced to eat and eat some more.
If I don’t eat it up right down to dessert,
I fear the cook’s feelings will be hurt,
So I do my part, even though I suffer;
To help out the others, I’m a belly stuffer.

Thanksgiving Ghost
The last piece of apple pie is gone;
How did it disappear?
The bowl of delicious stuffing
Has also vanished, I fear.
It happens each Thanksgiving,
When leftover goodies flee,
And each of us knows the responsible one
Couldn’t be you or me.
The only way it could happen
Is readily diagnosed;
It must be the crafty, incredibly sneaky,
Still hungry Thanksgiving ghost.

Thanksgiving 8000 Calorie Poem
May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Turkey Warning
Tell me, Mr. Turkey,
Don’t you feel afraid
When you hear us talking
‘Bout the plans we’ve made?
Can’t you hear us telling
How we’re going to eat
Cranberries and stuffing
With our turkey meat?
Turkey, heed my warning:
Better fly away;
Or you will be sorry
On Thanksgiving day.

Autumn is Nature’s Masterpiece
When every tree’s aglow;
Before the leaves have fallen
And the hills are white with snow.
The bounty of the harvest
Is a treasure to behold,
For the fruits of our labor
Are more valuable than gold.
There’s a change in the weather
That fills the heart with cheer;
With the holidays approaching
In the twilight of the year.
There’s a feeling of Thanksgiving
That comes to one and all;
When we count our many blessings
As the leaves begin to fall.
Poet: Clay Harrison

FW: Stylish Collar Hides Airbag Inside for Cyclist

Meet the “Hövding,” or Chieftan, a collar-disguised airbag hood for bikers developed by two Swedish industrial design students. The battery-run Chieftan contains a release mechanism, controlled by motion sensors, that activates the airbag upon impact. A small gas generator inside the back of the zippered collar fills the airbag with helium gas to turn it into a protective cushion. A black box inside will save 10 seconds of data from the cyclist’s motion in (and just before) a bike accident.

FW: Parkour Jean Wearing

FW: Best Bus Paint Job

and The Wildest Bus Ride Ever!

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