Forward Ever Forward

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!” The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Enzo signs back, “OK. You win!

The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Don’t you just LOVE lawyers?! Just brings tears to your eyes!

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When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers must find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of “tough decision!” Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore, I Propose We:

• Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members.
• Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Then, reduce their remaining staff by 25%.

Accomplish this over the next 8 years (two steps/two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting. Some Yearly Monetary Gains Include:

• $44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.)
• $437,100,000 for elimination of their staff (estimate $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
• $108,350,000 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
• $7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel earmarks each year (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion/yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country! We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few).

Note:
Congress does not hesitate to head home for extended weekends, holidays, recesses, even when the nation needs to fix real economic problems. Interestingly, we had 3 senators that were not doing their jobs for the 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all accepted full pay. Minnesota survived very well with only one senator for the first half 2008. These facts alone support a reduction in senators and congress.

Summary of opportunity:

• $44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
• $282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
• $150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
• $70,850,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
• $37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
• $7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
• $8,084,558,400 per year, estimated total savings. (That’s 8-BILLION just to start!)

Also, if Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits, taxpayers could save a bundle. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.

Corporate America does these types of cuts all the time. There’s even a name for it. “Downsizing!“

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,”What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

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A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

But… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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These are comments made by South Carolina State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them for a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 190 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

13. “Just how big were those “two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

12. Wilson’s Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

13. Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

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Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that’s 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “




The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

” Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! “

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