Advice | Forward Ever Forward

October 8, 2011

FW: A Flight of Assumptions

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Lets go.”

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for the news,” he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

“So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?”

Moral of the Story: NEVER assume—ALWAYS ask
.

FW: A Short Course in Human Relations

The 6 most important words: I admit that I was wrong.

The 5 most important words: You did a great job!

The 4 most important words: What do you think?

The 3 most important words: Would you please…

The 2 most important words: Thank you!

The most important word: We.

The least important word: I.

FW: A Donkey on your Back

An old fable that has been passed down for generations tells about an elderly man who was traveling with a boy and a donkey. As they walked through a village, the man was leading the donkey and the boy was walking behind.

The townspeople said the old man was a fool for not riding, so to please them he climbed up on the animal’s back. When they came to the next village, the people said the old man was cruel to let the child walk while he enjoyed the ride. So, to please them, he got off and set the boy on the animal’s back and continued on his way.

In the third village, people accused the child of being lazy for making the old man walk, and the suggestion was made that they both ride. So the man climbed on and they set off again.

In the fourth village, the townspeople were indignant at the cruelty to the donkey because he was made to carry two people.

The frustrated man was last seen carrying the donkey down the road.

Moral of the story: We can’t please everybody, and if we try we end up carrying a heavy burden.

FW: Confucius Says

Confucius Says:

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Man who run in Front of car get tyred.
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Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
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Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
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War not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
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Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
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Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there..
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Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
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Man who fish in Other man’s well often catch crabs.
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Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
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Person who deletes this has no humour!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1 Or more people..Nothing will happen!!!

FW: Amazing Simple Home Remedies

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES – BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY’RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE: NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT

FW: Speed Potato Peeling

Wow!!! I wish I had known this secret when I was a kid and had to peel Sunday dinner’s potatoes for our large family!

FW: There Is No “Ground Zero Mosque”

FW: Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

12. Wilson’s Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

13. Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

FW: Top 30 New Year Quotes

30. “Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty.” ~John Selden
29. “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Brooks Atkinson
28. “The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.” ~W.H. Auden
27. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” ~P. J. O’Rourke
26. “Ever new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” ~Ogden Nash
25. “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~James Agate
24. “A dog’s New Year’s Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!” ~Unknown
23. “Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” ~Eric Zorn
22. “New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” ~Charles Lamb
21. “Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.” ~Oprah Winfrey
20. “New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” ~Mark Twain
19. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.” ~Judith Crist
18. “Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.” ~Anonymous
17. “I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” ~Anais Nin
16. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” ~Oscar Wilde
15. “I know. I’m lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have ’til December, right?” ~Catherine O’Hara
14. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” ~Robert Paul
13. “No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam.” ~Charles Lamb
12. “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.” ~Anonymous
11. “From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.” ~Leonard Bernstein
10. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool.” ~F.M. Knowles
09. “The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he will never exist afterwards.” ~G. K. Chesterton
08. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!” ~Joey Adams
07. “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” ~Dave Beard
06. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” ~Bill Vaughan
05. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” ~Bill Vaughan
04. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” ~William Thomas
03. “New Year’s Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot…Unless, of course, those tests come back positive!” ~Jay Leno
02. “People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” ~Unknown
01. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.” ~Jay Leno