Forward Ever Forward

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

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Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,

which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,

but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Vet Extracts Toy Lizard From Real Lizard
By Associated Press
Wed Sep 19, 8:36 PM

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – Seven-year-old Finley Collins thought her pet 12-inch bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed an unusual protrusion near the lizard’s tail.

But Finley’s father, Jeff Collins, feared it might be something more ominous and rushed Mushu to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out a 7-inch toy rubber lizard.

“I’ve never extracted a lizard from another lizard before,” said veterinarian John Rossi.

Rossi had sedated Mushu and pulled on the protrusion.

“The next thing I knew, I was seeing legs and a body and a head. It was very strange to be tugging on this thing,” he said.

By the time the rubbery lizard’s legs began to appear, Rossi realized what it was.

“We were all laughing,” he said. “It passed completely through the entire (gastrointestinal) tract,” Rossi said.

Rossi said bearded dragons, a variety of Australian lizards, often swallow such things as small suction cups, screws and dimes.

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is
Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read
from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (or from the Hagadah at
Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they
celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to
butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she
never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can
change the baby’s diaper.

Déjas Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated
look on your mother’s face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When your Aunt gets lost in a department store and
strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Goyfer (n.) A Gentile messenger.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after
one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way
out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to
make.

Meinstein – slang. “My son, the genius!”

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on
one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a
reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your
old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na (n.) A rock ‘n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities,
even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth
person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially
falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business
school as seen through the eyes of parents and grandparents. In extreme
cases, simply choosing to major in art history when your cousin’s is
majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for dis-kvellification.

Impasta (n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of
Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a
vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the
shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

Simon Sezz

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WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. “The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….
“HEBREWS”

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment . Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.