Forward Ever Forward

He’s got a crush

IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW.

ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER. HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING.

PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER’ S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO “DRIVE” AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR’S SPEEDOMOTER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.

THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR.

THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM.

THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO “PULL OVER!” THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.

WHO SAYS POLICEMEN DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

Man in underwear recovers stolen truck

01:41 PM PDT on Sunday, March 18, 2007

By JOAN OSTERWALDER
The Press-Enterprise

EASTVALE – An early riser in Eastvale today gave chase to his stolen pick-up truck in his underwear and recovered the vehicle after ramming it with his wife’s van.
The 29-year-old floor installer was drinking coffee in his garage on Kite Court shortly after 6 a.m. when he heard an engine start, said California Highway Patrol Officer Kirk Durbin.
“He recognized immediately it was his own,” Durbin said.
The man opened the garage door and saw his Ford Ranger pick-up, which had all his tools in it, drive off, Durbin said. Clad only in his underwear, the man got into his wife’s van and chased after his pick-up at speeds close to 80 mph, he said.
“He said ‘I just couldn’t let my truck go because it’s my livelihood,’” Durbin said.
As he was pursuing his Ford Ranger northbound on Hamner Avenue, he realized a dark blue Chevrolet S-10 with a toolbox in the back bed was following him, he said. The floor installer thought it was an accomplice, he said.
When they approached Bellegrave Avenue, the man rammed his Ford Ranger from behind with the van and pushed it through the intersection until the pick-up hit a concrete barrier, Durbin said.
The Ford Ranger’s passenger ran into a nearby field and the driver got in the Chevy that had followed them, he said.
The Ford Ranger had moderate damage to the front and back, and the van had major damage in the front, Durbin said.
By the time authorities arrived, the man had called his wife on a witness’ cell phone and had her bring him some clothes, he said. Authorities were still searching for the Chevy S-10 and the three suspects, he said.
“He’s got a lot of courage,” Durbin said.

http://www.pe.com/localnews/inland/stories/PE_News_Local_D_webchase1.1cd7298.html#

“Highlands Ranch”
This princess Barbie is sold only at Nordstrom. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

“Green Mountain Barbie”
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

”

“Denver Barbie”
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) …unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

“Cherry Creek Barbie”
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

“Aurora Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

“Buyers Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Aurora Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

“Boulder Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies
and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

“5 Points Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Opti onal accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

“Trinidad Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

Love ya mama

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner…..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Man With Twin Living Inside Him — A Medical Mystery Classic
Another Person Lived Inside a Man for Nearly Four Decades
Aug. 23, 2006 — – Sanju Bhagat’s stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe.

Living in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he’d felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry.

An ambulance rushed the 36-year-old farmer to the hospital. Doctors thought he might have a giant tumor, so they decided to operate and remove the source of the bulge in his belly.

“Basically, the tumor was so big that it was pressing on his diaphragm and that’s why he was very breathless,” said Dr. Ajay Mehta of Tata Memorial Hospital in Mumbai. “Because of the sheer size of the tumor, it makes it difficult [to operate]. We anticipated a lot of problems.”

Mehta said that he can usually spot a tumor just after he begins an operation. But while operating on Bhagat, Mehta saw something he had never encountered. As he cut deeper into Bhagat’s stomach, gallons of fluid spilled out — and then something extraordinary happened.

“To my surprise and horror, I could shake hands with somebody inside,” he said. “It was a bit shocking for me.”

Removing the Mutated Body

One doctor recalled that day in the operating room.

“He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside,” she said. “First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair.”

Inside Bhagat’s stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

“We were horrified. We were confused and amazed,” Mehta said.

A Mutated Body Within a Body

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat’s twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin’s blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

According to Mehta, there are fewer than 90 cases of fetus in fetu recorded in medical literature.

Fetus in fetu happens very early in a twin pregnancy, when one fetus wraps around and envelops the other. The dominant fetus grows, while the fetus that would have been its twin lives on throughout the pregnancy, feeding off its host twin like a kind of parasite. Usually, both twins die before birth from the strain of sharing a placenta.

Sometimes, however, as in Bhagat’s case, the host twin survives and is delivered. What makes his case so unusual is that no one suspected Bhagat had a twin inside him for 36 years.

Bhagat said he was very much relieved after his operation. He was not interested in knowing what Mehta did to him or seeing what he had removed from his abdomen.

“He didn’t want to see it because it was looking very ghastly,” Mehta said.

Avoiding the Gory Details

There was no placenta inside Bhagat — the enveloped parasitic twin had connected directly to Bhagat’s blood supply. Right after the surgery, Bhagat’s pain and inability to breathe disappeared and he recovered immediately.

The case may have been a medical miracle to doctors, but to Bhagat his condition had been a source of shame and misery. All his life, people in the village where he lived had mercilessly teased him and told him he looked pregnant. Ironically, they were right in a way.

Today Bhagat is in good health and leads a normal life, but he still gets teased occasionally.

“They still ridicule him. What they say is, you went for an operation and you had the baby,” Mehta said.

Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=2346476&page=1

There is even a video on this page-Go see!

Cry BabyThis is great.

BILLINGS, Mont., Mar. 14, 2007
——————————————————————————–

(AP) A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post _ it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.

Holliday, 42, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to felony charges of criminal endangerment and drunken driving.

A pickup truck drove through a red light and nearly struck another truck in the intersection, according to court documents. The driver then made an erratic U-turn through a gas station, crossed the street and crashed into a light pole. Nobody was injured.

Holliday has five drunken-driving convictions. District Judge Gregory Todd kept his bail at $100,000 despite his lawyer arguing that Holliday’s last such conviction was 14 years ago.

Ever need to get into a tight spot? Like, really tight? Let our animal friends teach you how.

david-copperfields-cat.wmv