Forward Ever Forward

Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.

Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out.

You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

Man – “Fat Penguin!” Woman – “WHAT?” Man – “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

You pronounce “Sacramento” SACRAMENNO

Wearing Purple and Silver is a Fashion Statement.

You know you’re only 3073 miles from Ocean City, MD

Driver’s think a red light or a stop sign is just a suggestion.

The best restaurants in town start with “El” or “Los.”

People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.

You can cross a River, Freeway, Railroad or Street and go from a rich neighborhood to poor neighborhood.

You still don’t know your way around downtown.

You complain about traffic and the cost of living (both in top 10 for the country)

You say “HELLA”.

People put 22 inch rims on ANYTHING!

You laugh when a Southern Californian refers to highways like “the 5″. It’s just “5″, there is NO “the”.

You know that not everyone in California surfs.

On the weekend you can find something to do but you have to drive to get there

Someone mentions the State Fair and you immediately think of Latino Day or Black Culture Day.

Since Sacramento lacks them, Folsom Lake and the American/Sacramento rivers are your ideas of a beach.

Driving less than 70 on the Freeway is unacceptable.

You know not to take Watt, Sunrise, Florin, Howe, Laguna, Calvine, Hazel, Arden, El Camino, Marconi, Fulton, Madison, Greenback, Fruitridge, Mack, 65th Street, Power Inn, Elk Grove-Florin, Bradshaw, Franklin, Folsom, Freeport, Fair Oaks, etc; basically any roads….at 8, 12, or 5.

You swear there was an open field there last week, where now there are houses.

You’re STILL bitter about game 6 of the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals.

When it sprinkles it is the top of the news.

When it rains, all the news stations predict that massive and destructive flooding will occur because the water levels are on the warning signs of flooding.

You know what Arden and Old Sacramento are.

Friends come in from out of town and comment on the fog, and your response is “this is nothin…just wait.”

You see porsches, Ferraris and high end mercedes everyday; but you also see beater hondas with tin cans strapped to the back…

You have to go to chipotle at least once a week.

You had flood days as a kid.

You go to adalbertos…at all hours of the night.

You actually cared about the closure of Tower Records

You’ve never actually been into the State Capitol, but you’ve passed it on numerous occassions while lost downtown.

You camped out to watch the filming of John Travolta’s movie in the Fab Forties a few years ago.

You know that Tom Hanks is from Sac and went to Sac State.

You’ve heard rumors for years that the Drive-In movies are being torn down, but you still go at least once a summer because they’re still there.

Almost everyday from June to September is a “Spare the Air Day”

You tell ppl that you live in the Pocket area and they don’t think that you live in somebody’s pants

You’ve probably ran over a chicken or two in Old Fair Oaks

You remember when there was nothing around Arco.

You know the back way to arden fair

You know that Oak Park competes with Compton

The prospect of the ocean rising 10 feet doesn’t scare you, you’re at elevation 20.

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen a sleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember:
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart.

POSTED: 12:45 p.m. EDT, March 26, 2007

JERUSALEM (AP) — A woman was caught with three crocodiles strapped to her waist at the Gaza-Egypt border crossing after guards noticed that she looked “strangely fat,” officials said.

The woman’s odd shape raised suspicions at the Rafah terminal in southern Gaza, and a body search by a female border guard turned up the animals, each about 50 centimeters (20 inches) long, concealed underneath her loose robe, according to Maria Telleria, spokeswoman for the European observers who run the crossing.

“The woman looked strangely fat. Even though she was veiled and covered, even with so many clothes on there was something strange,” Telleria said.

The incident, which took place on Thursday, sparked panic at the crossing.

“The policewoman screamed and ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they heard,” Telleria said. But when the hysteria died down, she said, “everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body.”

In her defense, the woman said she “was asked” to carry the crocodiles, said Wael Dahab, a spokesman for the Palestinian guards at the crossing.

The reptiles, which had their jaws tied shut with string, were returned to the Egyptian side of the border.

Dahab said the animals were likely meant for sale to Gaza’s small zoo or to private owners. The crocodiles would fetch “good money,” even in the impoverished territory, he said. In Gaza, the animals can fetch about $500 — roughly two months’ salary for a low-ranking police officer.

The woman was not the first to try to illegally smuggle exotic wildlife through the Rafah crossing, Dahab said: another woman tried to bring in a monkey tied to her chest, and other travelers tried to smuggle in exotic birds and a tiger cub. Border guards more frequently confiscate cigarettes, prescription drugs and car parts.

The crossing is the only way in and out of Gaza for residents of the crowded coastal strip.

Since Israel pulled out of Gaza in 2005, the crossing has subject to a complex system of control: Egypt and the Palestinians are responsible for the crossing, with European monitors stationed at the terminal and Israeli inspectors watching from a distance over closed-circuit TV.

Israel retains final say over whether the crossing can open, and has kept it closed over 80 percent of the time since an Israeli soldier was captured by Hamas-linked militants in Gaza nine months ago, charging that the crossing is being used to smuggle money and weapons to militants.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of
her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to her car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot and the wad of dough hit her in
the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly re-covered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich a the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realized it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:

“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were
campaigning… Today you voted.”

From: The Australian
October 09, 2006

A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building.

She said: “I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

I don’t remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.

It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don’t remember much at all.” Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: “The accident is bizarre but not impossible.

She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside,” a medic told local television news channel, 24 Sata.

“It appears to have earthed through the damp shower curtain that she was touching as she bent over to put her mouth under the tap. If she had not been wearing the shoes she would probably have been killed by the blast.”

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

You have to have your priorities!